relationships

Tinder: You’re Doing It Wrong

Can someone let this guy know that I think he missed the point???

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*swipes right*

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13 Reasons I Passed On Your Online Profile

While many of my friends have found love from online dating, it seems more and more like finding a needle in a haystack. Finding a normal guy in the real world is hard enough but give them the Internet to hide behind and the freaks come out to play. Ladies, try to dodge these bullets. Men, please take note that you are creeping us out, BIG TIME.

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Ummm.. NO?! I do not want to be raped by you, strange man from the Internet. Thanks anyway.

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Did you just admit this on the Internet for everyone to see?! I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that you think this is acceptable to put out into the world or the fact that you actually believe this.

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You cannot be that excited about everything. Enough with the exclamation points !!

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Sarcasm is really hard to pull off online. Unless you’re serious… in which case I am even less interested.

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You lost me at “I’m 18”

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The fact that you said, “I don’t bite” makes me think you do. 

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Self explanatory.

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Gee, I hope so.

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It started out so well and then BAM. Nothing attracts a woman like bringing STDs into the conversation.

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This is just a personal pet peeve of mine. Yes, I get it. We all need water and air and stuff to live. It’s not that clever.

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It doesn’t bother me the amount. What bothers me is someone who is willing to put their salary on the Internet for strangers to see. That’s weird, no?

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I like dogs.

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You got it right the second time! Know the difference between “you’re” and “your.”

What sends you running for the hills?

5 Things I Do Wrong On The First Date

I have been on many a first date… not as many seconds dates. Unlike other women who think, “what went wrong?! I thought he liked me?!” I’m actually pretty self aware when things don’t go that well. Frankly, there are things about my personality that make me an AWFUL first date.

1. I talk too much. Always. I don’t know how to shut up. You legitimately have to cut me off or else I will keep going. Silence makes me uncomfortable and I won’t stand for it.

2. I don’t listen well. Probably because I’m thinking of what to say next to avoid the uncomfortable silence. Some people are offended when they are asked the same question multiple times… Unfortunately I’m a bad listener with a terrible memory. Be prepared to repeat yourself.

3. I am easily triggered to geek out. Almost always, you walked right into this one. You were the one who brought up Harry Potter. You didn’t know it would lead to a 30 minute tangent on how I thought the Goblet of Fire was the worst of the movie adaptations. But you did start it…

4. I will sometimes make inappropriate jokes. Not because I’m weird and trying to offend you but because I don’t know they’re inappropriate until after I say them out loud. And then I can’t take them back. And then I feel uncomfortable as well.

5. I might make a judgmental face in your direction. Partially because I can’t control it. I promise I’m not judging you! That’s just my initial reaction. With some explanation I almost always come around…

To be continued until I find (or you so honestly point out) other first date flaws… 

The Check Dance

It’s a first date. The bill has come. Now the fun begins…

I am going to reach for it. I’m a grown woman with a job who can pay for her own drinks. Deal with it.

I in no way expect to pay for it. While I am a grown woman with a job who can pay for her own drinks, I am also a lady who expects a little chivalry from the guy on a first date. I am fully capable of paying for you AND I offered so you should do the same.

I will be utterly baffled if you let me split it with you. Sure, earlier in the night I said “I’ll get the next round” but only to be polite.

I will be downright angry if you let me pay for the whole thing. I will… since I offered… but I only said that because I didn’t actually think you would go through with it.

I will not be made to feel guilty about you paying. There is nothing attractive about you making faces or complaining that it was expensive. You picked the place… you should have known the prices.

I am slightly impressed when you don’t look at the bill at all. Not because “money is no object” but because you don’t play games. You knew you were going to pay tonight so it is what it is. No reason to awkwardly inspect it.

I fully intend to pay if we go out again. Whether you let me pay for half or the full thing I will not hold this against you. I want you to pay first but I don’t expect you to pay every time. I also won’t put up too much of a fight if you really want to pay for date two.

Tales From Online Dating: OKCreepers Part 5

Back to the online dating game. Same creepers, different day. What would you do with these messages?

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That doesn’t creep me out… No… Not at all…

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Clever. I will give you that. But I’m gunna go with Guantanamo.

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Being a med student allows you to be a creeper? That’s news to me.

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If someone actually said this in real life, I’m not sure how I would respond. It is so beyond cheesy that I can’t handle it.

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Note: this was a SECOND message. After I didn’t respond to the first, he sent through this one. Now I know I made the right choice.

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That was the whole message. Yup.

The 5 Stages of a BreakUp

We’ve all been there. We never want to be there again. But don’t worry… there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. The “Everything Tastes Like Paper” Stage
This is when you are literally so upset you cannot eat. You wake up in the morning feeling sick, you go to bed feeling sick. You get hunger pains somewhere between the hours of noon and 4PM and settle for half a cupcake and a handfull of teddy grahams to fill the gaping hole in your stomach. Vodka becomes your major food group. And coffee. And weed. You also spend a lot of your nights staring at a blank wall because everywhere you turn, there’s your ex. Wanna listen to your ipod? Nope. All their music is on there. Wanna watch TV? Sorry, all your favorite shows are on and you can’t talk to them about it. Want to just walk around aimlessly? Negative. It will remind you of that ONE aimless walk you took together. And you will cry. For hours.

2. The “Holy Shit Why Haven’t I Eaten In a Month Food is EVERYTHING” Stage
You are pretty satisfied with your emaciated post-break up bod. However, once the initial shock, sadness, and anger passes you realize how fucking hungry you are. And suddenly every single thing you eat is the best thing to ever pass your lips. One day during this stage I had a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a cheeseburger and cheese fries for lunch, some goldfish, some cookies, some pretzels  and Chinese food for dinner. Yes I realize this is disgusting and I didn’t even mention I threw up 3 hours before this binge because of the excessive alcohol drinking, but hey, food is life at that point.

3. The “Fuck, I am About to Do Something Terrible” Stage
This can manifest in a variety of ways. You can either drunk text/ sext/ call the ex. You can make out with someone you really unattracted to and feel horrible about yourself after. You can recycle an old booty call and have weird, messy sex .. and feel horrible about yourself after. No matter what terrible thing you do, you will literally hate yourself for it.

*here is where stages 1-3 repeat as needed.

4. The “Let Me Get My Shit Together” Stage
This stage is a slow transition back to normalcy. You stop drinking as heavily as you were. You delete your ex from your phone, your facebook, and your everyday thoughts. You focus on something positive – like your job or a new hobby. You toy with the idea of joining OK Cupid and your best friends make you go on a Grouper.

5. The “Phew, I guess I’m Ok Now” Stage
This last stage is crucial because one wrong move, one wrong text, or one wrong phone call will lead you right back to all those horrible feelings. With some strength, some good luck, and a new fuck buddy, you will power through and move on with your life.

Did you experience this or something different?

Stop Hooking Up With Your Friends Friends.

It always seems like a good idea at the time. Sometimes you’re like, “Hey! I’m drunk. You’re cute. My friend is your friend so we have LOTS in common.” Other times you’re thinking, “WOW, if this works out it could be awesome! One big happy family of friends!” And then there’s my favorite, “I probably won’t hangout with this person again… right?”

Rule of thumb: Just because you have a similar friend doesn’t mean you have anything in common. Sure, if it works out it will be awesome but chances are it WON’T work out so stop right now. Of course you’re going to see this person again. Is your friend just going to stop hanging out with this person because you made out with them?!

I have fallen victim to this too many times to admit and I have learned one thing… Don’t $h!t where you eat! These situations almost always end badly. Sorry to say, but you are not Chandler and Monica. The man you’ve been waiting for isn’t right in front of you all along. If you like your current friends, leave their friends alone! The one drunk night is not worth that awkward conversation in the morning… and every other time you see this person.

Have you ever been in a compromising situation like this one? Share your horror story to discourage others!

How To Ditch The Nice Guy

We’ve all dated him. That really nice, cute guy who does nothing wrong. You want to like him. You really really want to like him! But you don’t. And you never will. Even though this guy does nothing wrong, he doesn’t do anything right either. He touches you and you cringe. He is attentive and you want to hide. Normally he comes right after you date a “magician” (the guy who disappears without a trace or explanation).

Don’t feel bad ladies. This guy is not for you. He will find a nice girl one day… I hope. Here’s how you get rid of him:

1. The Fade Out. Don’t answer your phone. Respond to texts less frequently. Slow down the communication until it ends all together. If you do this right, they won’t even notice it’s happening. They also may not be damaged since you are weening them out of the relationship.

2. The Uncomfortable Convo. C’mon. He’s a nice guy so you should be nice enough to tell him it’s over. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but nice guy can take it. You got yourself into this mess so now you have to get yourself out.

3. Friend Zone Him.  Not my finest hour, but this really works. So you’ve gone on several dates, probably kissed and stuff, and now you’re not into him. Keep hanging out with him but stop doing “the stuff.” He will definitely notice this but he’s too nice to actually say something about it. A couple more hangout like this and BAM. He’s a friend.

How do you get rid of a nice guy?

3 Reasons Why I Hate My Long Distance Relationship

Last week I wrote the post 3 Reasons Why I Love My Long Distance Relationship. Today, we get the flipside. Long distance is not the best situation in the world. Every day I wish he could be here with me. Here are the 3 reasons why I effing hate long distance.


I miss him too much
There are days I seriously miss him so much I want to cry. The days I have a hard time at work and all I need is one of his hugs and a kiss on my forehead to make it all better and he’s not here. Those days make me miserably sad that he’s far away.

I never have a plus one
Birthday parties, work functions, family gatherings… my plus one is too far to come to all of them. I have to pick and choose the most important for him to attend and fly solo at the rest (with prayers there’s an open bar to get me through). 

I have no one to be intimate with
Not just sex here (although not being able to do that whenever I want is pretty crappy too). He’s not here to cuddle before I fall asleep, he’s not here to be playful with or hold hands with, or even to do nice things for like cook dinner or bring home cupcakes. Having these moments come once a month or so is not ideal.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? What was your least favorite part? Comment below.