reality tv

Bachelor Recap Week 2

Tonight instead of watching at home with my mom, I’m sitting in the most gorgeous NYC apartment with my work girls sipping on wine and noshing on italian food and cupcakes. I couldn’t be more content and I know watching the Bachelor will just the icing on the cake of a perfect Monday night.
OMG SEAN IN A SHOWER. Can the show open up with this every week? Yes? Wonderful.

Chris Harrison, quite dashing, announces the dates for the week. Oh hayyy first date card. Sarah with the one arm gets the first one on one time. She wants to cry. “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we will stop having fun.” Cue the helicopter (shocker). Sarah what’s with the ugly pink shirt? You could do way better.  Also she’s already talking about this being a fairytale. It’s the first date. Relax, lady.

Sean takes Sarah to the top of this super fall building for a champagne toast. They need to free fall to get to the table. HOW IS SHE GOING TO DO THIS WITH ONE ARM? What a horrible idea. But Sarah wants to be courageous and take the plunge together with him. They sit down to ease their way in. Stop being pussys and just jump. Countdown – go! They make it and hug. How sweettttt.

Sarah tells Sean about going ziplining in Vegas with her dad. One of the employees told her she couldn’t go because people with disabilities weren’t allowed by law. She was humiliated. Sad music starts playing… Okay I mean I get it. She has one arm and it’s super sad. But she’s also really pretty and seems down to earth. I hate that she’s playing up the one arm thing. She could’ve told him a million other different stories. Also, I’m sort of convinced she has a prosthetic arm that she usually wears on the daily but isn’t wearing it for the show.

Sarah talks about her ex. She needs someone more adventurous and is convinced Sean is everything she is looking for. Because after the 3 hour date I’m sure she knows he’s her meant to be. Sarah gets a rose. No kiss? Oh wait there we go. Sean goes in for some tongue. She keeps her lips into a peck not letting that slip into her mouth. You are a silly girl Sarah. Anyone would let Sean eat their face off.

Group date card:
Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie B, Tierra

“Lets capture the romance.” Pictures!

“He was kinda like, ‘Princess I’m coming.’” Or he was like “Hey SLUTSSSS lets go in the hottub.” Sean brings them into this outrageous house and announces they are taking book cover pics for actual books. The model freaks out because she can actually be famous from this! I’m freaking out because I’m assuming Sean will be half naked for the next 20 minutes.

Robyn hates Tierra and thinks he is fake. Tierra boobs are pretty much out of her shirt while she gets her makeup done. Sean may or may not think Tierra has a catty side. Tierra seems a little sneaky sneaky and might be doing some backstabbing later on. Excited for moarrr drama ahead. Amanda thinks she’s really clever by using two words with r “romance and rose”. Lesley M has a rockin’ bod and a flat stomach that I’d kill for (as I sit here and eat 4 more cupcakes). Lesley and Sean kiss and pisses off the other betches. Kristy is making sure to get handsy and hottt. It felt a little porno-ish. I didn’t hate it.

Lesley M grabs Sean for some alone time at the next part of the date. I happen to really like her. She’s not outrageously pretty but she’s cute and she doesn’t seem TOO bitchy. They seem to have some chemistry and Sean wants to kiss her but she seems kinda nervous and just wants to stare at him. DUMB. KISS HIM YOU IDIOT. You potentially have one of the hottest guys in America next to you and you didn’t straddle him?! I’m confused, Lesley. You let me down…. Oh wait, there she goes. Even a little tongue action AAYYYYY. There we go!!!

Kacie B what are you wearing? A dress? A tank top? A romper? I mean I know you have some nice legs and all but your hoo-ha is about to make an appearance. Sean says he’s happy she’s there but I feel like she is totally in the friend zone. He hesitated when he said he wanted to transition her to a more romantic-zone. I love her, but I don’t think she’s going to last long…

Sean talks to more of the girls. They seem to be getting drunker as the night goes on. It’s so obvious how wasted they are. It’s pretty hilarious. Tierra is sitting alone and eating/ seems mopey. Sean notices that she is guarded. Tierra is #struggling. But Sean re-assures her that he’s diggin’ her and wants her to stick around.

Date Card: Desiree gets the one on one. “Love is priceless”. I really really like Desiree.

Back to the group date! Katie’s hair is out of control. And is clearly not comfortable with this show. “The more girls who leave on their own the easier it is”. LOL. I love the slight bitchiness from Kacie B. Makes me happy. Katie is crying. WAH. Katie leaves. Kthanksbai. Pick up some hair gel on the way out thanksssss. “I try to downplay things in front of the girls but I’m super stoaked”. Keep those one-liners going Kacie B and you’ll keep getting those ROSES!

Sean is taking Desiree to this like fake art gallery filled with actors pretending to work there. Sean wants to see how she reacts when she thinks she broke an expensive piece of art…. umm so Sarah gets a helicopter ride and Desiree gets punked? Seems a little unbalanced there. On the plus side, she is rockin’ the red lip and black dress. “Hopefully she can take a joke”. I hope so because I would be MORTIFIED. Sean is second guessing his decision to bring her and feels bad. Uhhh yeah bro. Maybe not the best date idea. So anyway, Des is alone with all the hidden cameras. The piece of art breaks. She looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the situation. Photographer walks in and she immediately goes on defense “I didn’t touch it. It just fell.” Sean feels awful. Des wants to die. I would’ve been like “Sooooo NOW do I get a helicopter or….?”

Back at the house with a bottle of red wine. Desiree asks questions and wants to get to know him (I don’t think she watched his season?). She explains how perfectly in love her parents are. Sean is all “OMG my parents totes love each other too”. #notreality. But they’re cute together and his hand seems nice and comfy on her thigh. Then Des puts on a bathing suit. Here, the room goes “WOAH” at her body and a collective sigh when Sean’s shirt gets taken off. They talk about love – what is love? baby don’t hurt me…. Des is offered a rose. She pranks him back and hesitates when taking the rose. They kiss in the pool. Inappropriate comments about how Sean may or may not be touching her nipples overtake our conversation.

Lindsay, the girl in the wedding dress last week, admits she was wasted at the last cocktail party. “The champagne was flowing” aka “I was shithoused.” She’s a lot more normal this week which is refreshing to see. Smart lady to grab him up right away before she’s had one too many again. Sean seems kinda flustered because he’s starting to see good qualities in anyone.

As I see how pretty Kacie B and Des look, I decide if I had goten a rose already, I would just show up in my sweats. They’re there for HOURS and if I was already “safe” I wouldn’t waste my time getting all done up for no reason. #justsaying

Anyway, back to the show – Amanda is being bitchcity, sitting alone with a pout on her face and the girls are noticing the “tornado of negativity” around her. Why is she drinking out of a Christmas coffee mug? Weirdsies. Robyn notices how “culturally diverse” the girls are aka she’s nervous he doesn’t like black chicks. Is she gunna ask him about this?!?! UH AWKWARD. Sean repsonds with “I don’t have a type.” Race wasn’t a part of his criteria, which is refreshing, since in the past 6 seasons if there was ever a black contestant, they were kicked off after week 1.

Kacie B stirs up some drama and asks the girls who they want to see go home. AMANDA. Who then walks into the room and steals her for a bit. Amanda is wearing roses as shoulder pads. #notcute. Des is crying (why?) because she doesn’t think Amanda is here for the right reasons.

Rose Ceremony:
Sarah, Des, Kacie B who already have roses
Ashley, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catharine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella,  and Amanda (the room is annoyed).

My front runners:
1. Lesley M
2. Taryn
3. Des
4. Sarah
5. Selma

Why I’d Be the Worst Candidate on the Bachlorette

The buzz at work this week has been all about ABC’s upcoming season of the Bachelor, featuring Sean Lowe – the runner up of last season of the Bachelorette. He’s blonde, hot, charming, hot, and often shirtless and hot, which made me fall in love with him last season. He will now have 25 ladies fighting for his love and I am excited to announce that I will be blogging weekly on his season as will my internet buddy Scott Muska (he’s a lot funnier than I am and blogged last season’s Bachelorette – check his work out here).

Anyway, with all this hype I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d handle being the Bachelorette and having 25 guys buying for my attention. At first I thought, “Um, awesome. Who wouldn’t want that?” But after much internal debate I concluded I would be the worst Bachelorette in the history of the 11 years the show has been airing. Here’s why:

1. I am not very adventurous
Every season of this show involves some sort of private jet, helicopter ride, hot air balloon, or friggen jet pack excursion. Without proper medication, I would have a severe panic attack, cry, possibly puke, and my date would then voluntarily leave the show after seeing me in this crazy state of anxiety. One season they propelled down a sky scraper to their dinner date. On another they bungee jumped off a bridge. PASS. THANKS. I would make the producers sign a contract of my hard and soft limits – 50 Shades of Grey style, substituting no anal beads for no free fall airplane jumping. The producers would hate me. The audience would hate me. My season would be boring.

2. I am not a classy drunk
They serve a lot of booze on these sort of reality shows. People have passed out drunk during the first cocktail party – I would not put myself past doing that. Between late night filming, starving myself to look great on camera, and the excessive amount of champagne they serve, no doubt in my mind I would be bombed 98% of the time we filmed. This is not good for anyone. I am your typical obnoxious drunk Brooklyn girl who slurs words, confesses her love for everyone and anyone in the room, dances against walls, and trips in anything that’s a higher heel than a sneaker. While my men will get a kick out of making fun of me behind my back, none of them will fall in love with drunk Shari. It’s pretty much impossible.

3. I can’t make a decision
I hate making everyday decisions. I can’t even count how many times I’ve spent 30 minutes walking around midtown trying to decide what I want to eat for lunch, only to get frustrated since I couldn’t decide and went back to my desk hungry sans food. How would I be able to cut down guys every week? Especially if they’re hot. How can I get rid of a nice piece of ass to look at? I wouldn’t be able to do it. My special camera time would show me making pro/con lists and asking Chris Harrison who his favorite is. But I’d totally have “THE MOST SHOCKING FINALE EVER” as I ask both men to continue dating me post-show so I can have more time to make a better decision. They’d both oblige (obviously) but then I’d come back to After the Final Rose as single as ever revealing that neither men were on the show “for the right reasons” and I would pull a Brad Womack and come back FOR A SECOND SEASON for another chance at finding love.