drunk

Why I’d Be the Worst Candidate on the Bachlorette

The buzz at work this week has been all about ABC’s upcoming season of the Bachelor, featuring Sean Lowe – the runner up of last season of the Bachelorette. He’s blonde, hot, charming, hot, and often shirtless and hot, which made me fall in love with him last season. He will now have 25 ladies fighting for his love and I am excited to announce that I will be blogging weekly on his season as will my internet buddy Scott Muska (he’s a lot funnier than I am and blogged last season’s Bachelorette – check his work out here).

Anyway, with all this hype I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d handle being the Bachelorette and having 25 guys buying for my attention. At first I thought, “Um, awesome. Who wouldn’t want that?” But after much internal debate I concluded I would be the worst Bachelorette in the history of the 11 years the show has been airing. Here’s why:

1. I am not very adventurous
Every season of this show involves some sort of private jet, helicopter ride, hot air balloon, or friggen jet pack excursion. Without proper medication, I would have a severe panic attack, cry, possibly puke, and my date would then voluntarily leave the show after seeing me in this crazy state of anxiety. One season they propelled down a sky scraper to their dinner date. On another they bungee jumped off a bridge. PASS. THANKS. I would make the producers sign a contract of my hard and soft limits – 50 Shades of Grey style, substituting no anal beads for no free fall airplane jumping. The producers would hate me. The audience would hate me. My season would be boring.

2. I am not a classy drunk
They serve a lot of booze on these sort of reality shows. People have passed out drunk during the first cocktail party – I would not put myself past doing that. Between late night filming, starving myself to look great on camera, and the excessive amount of champagne they serve, no doubt in my mind I would be bombed 98% of the time we filmed. This is not good for anyone. I am your typical obnoxious drunk Brooklyn girl who slurs words, confesses her love for everyone and anyone in the room, dances against walls, and trips in anything that’s a higher heel than a sneaker. While my men will get a kick out of making fun of me behind my back, none of them will fall in love with drunk Shari. It’s pretty much impossible.

3. I can’t make a decision
I hate making everyday decisions. I can’t even count how many times I’ve spent 30 minutes walking around midtown trying to decide what I want to eat for lunch, only to get frustrated since I couldn’t decide and went back to my desk hungry sans food. How would I be able to cut down guys every week? Especially if they’re hot. How can I get rid of a nice piece of ass to look at? I wouldn’t be able to do it. My special camera time would show me making pro/con lists and asking Chris Harrison who his favorite is. But I’d totally have “THE MOST SHOCKING FINALE EVER” as I ask both men to continue dating me post-show so I can have more time to make a better decision. They’d both oblige (obviously) but then I’d come back to After the Final Rose as single as ever revealing that neither men were on the show “for the right reasons” and I would pull a Brad Womack and come back FOR A SECOND SEASON for another chance at finding love.

Let Me Live With You..Please?!

Dear Future Roomie, 

Hey girl(s) hey! I’m Shari, a 22 (almost 23!) year old amazing, smart, funny woman working in Midtown. I have compiled a list of things you need to know in bullet form – for an easy read. Ready? Here we go…

  • I am a non-smoker
  • I have no pets, because lets face it I sneeze at anything that’s on four legs. 
  • I’m looking for roommates who have their own lives and won’t be upset if I don’t want to spend all my free time with them, but also ones who will invite me to watch a movie on the couch or grab drinks on a Friday night at a local bar. 
  • If you are good at hair and makeup, that’s a plus! Because I enjoy a personal assistant-like someone to help me with that nonsense before I go out on Saturday nights.
  • I’m fairly clean. I mean, there will be a hot mess of clothes all over my room and I may leave 4 pairs of shoes out in the hallway near the door.. but dishes won’t stay in the sink longer than 2 days.
  • I’ll take out the bathroom garbage when I’m on my period (it’s only fair you do the same).
  • I don’t think its customary to send a picture with these, so I will let you know I do not weigh 800 pounds. I am of average height and weight and will never eat your leftovers…unless you offer them.
  • I occasionally get #whitegirlwasted on weekends. I don’t throw up as much as I used to but, hey, it happens. If and when that should occur, there will be no mess to be had. PROMISE. I’m an expert at making it to the toilet.
  • I like to workout during the week and will be willing to share my massive collection of workout DVDs. That being said, I will silently judge you for only getting through 10 minutes and immediately eating cake after.
  • My boyfriend lives in Albany and we see eachother roughly once a month. He will be visiting for a long weekend on occassion. Sorry in advance if you hear the bed creaking or some muffled sounds you wish you hadn’t heard. All activities in the sexual nature will stay in my room and will not be conducted on our couch, kitchen counters, or living room rug…unless no ones home then I can’t make any promises.
  • I get sick pretty often – sneezing, sore throats, stomach flus, shingles… 
  • I snore in my sleep. I also have a history of sleepwalking and sleep talking.
  • I bring with me some awesome perks – a Corkcicle, a blender, and..wait for it.. an excessive amount of board games! You’re welcome.

If you think I’d be a good fit, please tweet me with #DONKforroommate so I can track it. It’s the quickest way I will see your interest. Picking me as your roommate is a decision you will not regret. 

Please pick me. Please. Pretty please.

Get Well Soon Gavin Degraw

One of my favorite singers, Gavin Degraw, was attacked in downtown Manhattan yesterday. After spending the night drinking in the village, Degraw was attacked by a gang around 4AM. While stumbling away, Degraw then got hit by a cab. He is currently hospitalized with a broken nose and some cuts. Gavin was supposed to be on his way to Saratoga tonight to open for Train and Maroon 5. For a full article (which doesn’t include many more details you can click here. Seeing as I am a huge fan (and a human being), I feel terrible for Gavin! Get well soon and please come back better than ever.

What do you think about this chemical party gone bad? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Follow me @Caraizzle!

Watch Out Drunk Texters! Here Comes A New Way To Embarrass Yourself

So you are out at a bar. You’ve had a few too many drinks. Then you look in your purse and see your phone. Normally, you would think, “Hey, maybe it isn’t a good idea to use my phone when my mind is so free and I’m about to say things I will regret saying in the morning.” Luckily, you’re drunk and you don’t really care. So you text some friends what you really think. Text your ex telling them how much you actually do miss them. Even send some tweets to the Twitterverse saying how much you hate your job and your boss. You then wake up the next morning and think, “F&^*%$^&*.”

I can’t say I have ever experienced this story first hand but I know that you may be reading thinking about how this has happened to you. I know I have seen it happen to my friends. I think it is a pretty bad idea to be using your phone when you are wasted. It should be illegal to send tweets or text while drunk. Unfortunately for the college kids, AT&T doesn’t think so. They just came out with a new phone called the HTC Status. This phone has a Facebook share button right on the keypad and every time you do something “shareable” it will light up and tell you to post. So long job opportunities… I’m excited to see the drunk photos that will be sent to the Internet now.

What do you think of having a share button on your phone? Is this a cool new invention or a dangerous one? Share your thoughts below!

Follow me @Caraizzle!