dating

April Fools: A Classic Joke Can Be Entertaining

One of the greatest things about being in a relationship is that there is powers in numbers. I love April Fool’s Day and last year my boyfriend at the time and I thought it would be fun to leverage the seriousness of Facebook to play a prank. Frankly, we weren’t that creative. We were like, “Hey! Why don’t we change our relationship status on Facebook to say we are engaged!” So we did. And insanity ensued.

 

Within seconds my notifications went crazy. People who I went to nursery school with and old college friends were congratulated me. People began calling up my parents to congratulate them. My texts were going off the hook. This excitement made us want to take the joke a step further. I googled “Pale hand with engagement ring” and changed my Facebook profile picture to go in for the kill.

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This went on all day. My closest friends were smart enough to question this. Instead of texts that said “CONGRAAAATTTTSSS” they were more along the lines of “Hardy har har.” But some texts were pretty hysterical. Here are my favorites:

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The moral of the story is, people are suckers. Just because you are getting older doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy April Fools Day. People are gullible and it’s always fun to laugh.

What was the best April Fool’s Day prank you ever pulled?

 
 
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Tales From Online Dating: OKCreeper Part 2

Aaand we’re back again because the creepy men of the Internet never sleep! Here’s another look at what goes on when using OKCupid. Some of these are mine and others from friends. This just proved that there is no shortage of OKCreepers. Yes these are real. Yes I’m hiding usernames to try to be nice. No, we didn’t message these men back. To see more OKCreeper click here.

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I guess I should give you points for being forward but something tell me that you are not going to win anyone over with a date at White Castle.
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Ever heard of Ashley Madison dude?! That’s where you need to be, not on OKCupid. No. I do not want to help you cheat on your wife with a “discreet relationship.” And the fact that you are old enough to be my dad isn’t helping either.
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I’m glad you enjoyed my profile enough to message me but don’t you think you’re going out on a limb by asking some person you have never met to your office holiday party at one of the most expensive Broadway shows? Yes, I would love to see Wicked but I’d prefer if you weren’t there.
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Is this a compliment? I think so…. but I can’t tell through all the talk of apocalypses and leprosy babies. Sorry dude, you lost me at nuclear.
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Now you are trying to guilt me into responding?! Do you think that I will be up all night tossing and turning because I didn’t respond? Nice try…
Have you done online dating? Any funny stories to share?

The Number One Problem With Tinder

Like all single ladies with a smartphone, I recently heard of an app called Tinder. Essentially, the idea is “hot or not” but taking it a step further. If you decide you like someone and think they are attractive, they now have the ability to message you. If they like you back then you are past the first hurdle of wondering if that person is interested or not! There’s just one problem with this app so far…

Repeat after me… Jailbait.

Tinder is the bare bones. It connects to Facebook so you can see if you have friends in common or similar interests but really all you get is pictures, name, and age. That, my friends, is very dangerous. As you breeze through at a mile a minute you are judging purely on looks. Every so often a hottie catches your eye and you stop to view details. BAM. You find out the handsome man is actually a man-boy that is only 19. NOT OKAY PEOPLE.

Then we have another problem… Instead of looking at looks you only look at age until you find someone acceptable and can then check if they are good looking. You come across a 27 year old. He’s handsome. YAY! You click on his info… BAM. His info says “I’m actually 17 but Tinder wouldn’t let me join unless I was older ha ha.” NOT OKAY PEOPLE.

Why is this app populated by itty bitty nugget men? And even worse, why do I find them attractive?! To be fair, kids these days look a lot older than when I was in high school. When you’re in a tux, I assume you are at your friend’s wedding… not at your PROM.

In conclusion, Tinder needs age ranges. Oh, and don’t judge me…

Do you use Tinder? What do you think?!



The 5 Stages of a BreakUp

We’ve all been there. We never want to be there again. But don’t worry… there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. The “Everything Tastes Like Paper” Stage
This is when you are literally so upset you cannot eat. You wake up in the morning feeling sick, you go to bed feeling sick. You get hunger pains somewhere between the hours of noon and 4PM and settle for half a cupcake and a handfull of teddy grahams to fill the gaping hole in your stomach. Vodka becomes your major food group. And coffee. And weed. You also spend a lot of your nights staring at a blank wall because everywhere you turn, there’s your ex. Wanna listen to your ipod? Nope. All their music is on there. Wanna watch TV? Sorry, all your favorite shows are on and you can’t talk to them about it. Want to just walk around aimlessly? Negative. It will remind you of that ONE aimless walk you took together. And you will cry. For hours.

2. The “Holy Shit Why Haven’t I Eaten In a Month Food is EVERYTHING” Stage
You are pretty satisfied with your emaciated post-break up bod. However, once the initial shock, sadness, and anger passes you realize how fucking hungry you are. And suddenly every single thing you eat is the best thing to ever pass your lips. One day during this stage I had a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a cheeseburger and cheese fries for lunch, some goldfish, some cookies, some pretzels  and Chinese food for dinner. Yes I realize this is disgusting and I didn’t even mention I threw up 3 hours before this binge because of the excessive alcohol drinking, but hey, food is life at that point.

3. The “Fuck, I am About to Do Something Terrible” Stage
This can manifest in a variety of ways. You can either drunk text/ sext/ call the ex. You can make out with someone you really unattracted to and feel horrible about yourself after. You can recycle an old booty call and have weird, messy sex .. and feel horrible about yourself after. No matter what terrible thing you do, you will literally hate yourself for it.

*here is where stages 1-3 repeat as needed.

4. The “Let Me Get My Shit Together” Stage
This stage is a slow transition back to normalcy. You stop drinking as heavily as you were. You delete your ex from your phone, your facebook, and your everyday thoughts. You focus on something positive – like your job or a new hobby. You toy with the idea of joining OK Cupid and your best friends make you go on a Grouper.

5. The “Phew, I guess I’m Ok Now” Stage
This last stage is crucial because one wrong move, one wrong text, or one wrong phone call will lead you right back to all those horrible feelings. With some strength, some good luck, and a new fuck buddy, you will power through and move on with your life.

Did you experience this or something different?

The Bachelor Finale

Full disclosure: I am like 6 hours behind on the Bachelor. I haven’t watched since the one before hometowns (oops) but I couldn’t avoid spoilers and I knew if I missed the finale I would be so out of the loop and wouldn’t be able to handle it. So here we go – the epic 3 hour finale recap.

Spending the last week of the show in Thailand. Lucky bitches – my dream is to spend a week exploring all the islands of Thailand. Sean meets his family and is excited for them to meet the two remaining women. Stop it, his niece and nephew are the cutest effing kids, especially after the nephew blurts “Emily didn’t pick you.” EPIC BURN YOU 5 YEAR OLD. Sean’s mom is nervous, especially after Sean says he has no idea who he’s picking.

Catherine looks cute in her dress but she could’ve done something nicer with her hair. I’m assuming it’s just Thailand weather..She hugs the family and wears a super nervous plastered smile on her face. She tells Sean’s family she played football on the boy’s team when she was like 12. Early signs of a bad-ass chick. Catherine tells his mom about the cute little love/silly notes they would write each other every week. And that if he popped the question she’d say yes. Momma seems to approve of her which is nice to see. Dad seems like he has a crush on her… a little creeped out by him. Justsaying.. Catherine says their time together is spent laughing and eating…she left out making out and telling him about all the horrible things that happened in her childhood but ya know whatever that’s okay. Sean’s dad says if she’s the one he will love her like a daughter. My mom is crying. Catherine is crying. I’m still a little sketched out by him? Is that bad? I’m sure he means well.

Lindsay is up next. Yes Sean she does look cute. Hugs all around. The niece is wearing a bow – I’m melting into a mushball of cuteness. I also hate the way Lindsay talks. Her voice annoys me. Dad seems to be asking her a lot more serious questions. Is it because he doesn’t like her or because he realized he just fell in love with Catherine without really asking her anything too serious? Can’t tell. Dad talks about how he’s prayed for Sean’s wife since the day he was born and Lindsay starts to cry. Okay okay he’s a nice guy. Sorry about my previous comment – my mind has been changed!! Okay Mom’s up grillin’ Lindsay. She seems pleased with her answers. Lindsay is super emotional about all this. Fair.

Family opinions: they love them both, they’ll both fit in. They don’t want Sean to propose at all if it feels like too much pressure. Sean just wants their support above their opinion. His mom’s hysterical crying because it’s a huge decision and she doesn’t want him to do anything he’s not sure about. My mom’s crying too. I’m a stone cold robot about all this. Thank youuuu cynicism.

On his late date with Lindsay, Sean wears the ugliest outfit of the season. But his arms look fantastic – I just wanna bite his shoulders. Yeah I said it. Anyway, they take a raft on a river drinking champagne and drinking in the view. Lindsay feels like she knows him SO well. Let me tell you girl, there’s not a shot in hell you know him as well as you feel you do. For dinner, Sean realized how awful that tank top was and changed into a typical Sean v-neck. Lindsay says he has everything she ever wanted in a husband and she’s nervous about losing him. She wishes he knew what he was thinking. “I’m glad I’m here right now.” Wow. That’s…romantic? Not. I mean he’s totally not allowed to say I love you to anyone until the proposal but it must suck to pour your heart out to someone and for them to not return anything at all. Sean thinks she’s the one for her …for now…until his date with Catherine.

Wait… hold on… Lindsay is 24?!?!?! She’s MY AGE and is husband crazy already? AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?? Am I the only one the world who wants nothing to do with marriage until like 30? This is blowing my mind right now.. Check my twitter for further rant on this.. Back to the show..

Catherine’s time for a final date. And as I said, he’s like oh right she’s here too. I like her. Confused all over again. Blah Blah. Cue huge ass elephant. “Here’s our transportation for the day.” Ironic, because I was just telling someone that I rode an elephant at the circus as a kid and the joke “riding something with a big trunk” was the highlight of my day. This looks so cool. They’re looking at this gorgeous view and talking about their future together. Catherine says she was fighting back planning a future with him but now she’s letting herself because she feels so good about it. Catherine thinks she’s played it calm this whole time because she’s needed to play it safe but now if she doesn’t open up she doesn’t get another chance. Sidenote: how much money do you think they spend a season on booze? They are always drinking. Catherine opens up and speaks so much more eloquently than Lindsay. I like her so much more, as a person and for Sean. UGH Catherine is practically shaking when she says i love you for the first time and he says, “thank you for today.” AWFUL. She doesn’t see a glimmer of love in his eyes and follows him out crying. She’s pissed. I don’t blame her. How do you open up so much to someone and be okay with not hearing anything back?  Ugh I feel for her.

Time to pick out engagement rings! Bling blinngggg. I’ll take one of each please! Holy shit he picks the shiny-est one. Good taste, bro that is a ROCK. Sean gets emotional. Lindsay is wearing a stunning gown…and is super confident that she is the one that’s going to stand there at the end with him. Catherine in an equally as gorgeous dress is less excited, more overwhelmingly nervous going into the unknown.

Thank goodness we get a little Chris Harrison action during commercial breaks. Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie are sitting the audience. Lesley thinks he will pick Catherine. Sarah is team Lindsay. AshLee just wants what’s best for him and sees Lindsay as the winner. Jackie for Lindsay.

Sean is dreading saying goodbye to one of the girls. Lindsay’s up first. This is never a good sign. She’s going to vomit when he doesn’t propose. Like, seriously. She will be devastated. I almost don’t want to watch. But I can’t stop now, obviously. Here it comes… his heart is somewhere else. Waiting for her to jump right into the water. Girl, you need to walk away because he is not going to stop talking and he’s kind of making this worse. Super uncomfortable. She takes off her heels. Her and Chris Harrison don’t even speak. Even after a million of these seasons, this is the worst moment.

And here comes the letter from Catherine. Shit if she backs out, that would just be terrible. Phew, this is a happy letter. I was seriously nervous for a second, but it’s just her being cute and continuing to write him little love notes. Too cute. She can’t breathe when he proposes. I think she might faint. Or vomit out of happiness. “I love you so much I do I’m gunna tell you everyday”.

One last thing. Will you accept the final rose? Yes. ANNDD SCENE.

Stop Hooking Up With Your Friends Friends.

It always seems like a good idea at the time. Sometimes you’re like, “Hey! I’m drunk. You’re cute. My friend is your friend so we have LOTS in common.” Other times you’re thinking, “WOW, if this works out it could be awesome! One big happy family of friends!” And then there’s my favorite, “I probably won’t hangout with this person again… right?”

Rule of thumb: Just because you have a similar friend doesn’t mean you have anything in common. Sure, if it works out it will be awesome but chances are it WON’T work out so stop right now. Of course you’re going to see this person again. Is your friend just going to stop hanging out with this person because you made out with them?!

I have fallen victim to this too many times to admit and I have learned one thing… Don’t $h!t where you eat! These situations almost always end badly. Sorry to say, but you are not Chandler and Monica. The man you’ve been waiting for isn’t right in front of you all along. If you like your current friends, leave their friends alone! The one drunk night is not worth that awkward conversation in the morning… and every other time you see this person.

Have you ever been in a compromising situation like this one? Share your horror story to discourage others!

How To Ditch The Nice Guy

We’ve all dated him. That really nice, cute guy who does nothing wrong. You want to like him. You really really want to like him! But you don’t. And you never will. Even though this guy does nothing wrong, he doesn’t do anything right either. He touches you and you cringe. He is attentive and you want to hide. Normally he comes right after you date a “magician” (the guy who disappears without a trace or explanation).

Don’t feel bad ladies. This guy is not for you. He will find a nice girl one day… I hope. Here’s how you get rid of him:

1. The Fade Out. Don’t answer your phone. Respond to texts less frequently. Slow down the communication until it ends all together. If you do this right, they won’t even notice it’s happening. They also may not be damaged since you are weening them out of the relationship.

2. The Uncomfortable Convo. C’mon. He’s a nice guy so you should be nice enough to tell him it’s over. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but nice guy can take it. You got yourself into this mess so now you have to get yourself out.

3. Friend Zone Him.  Not my finest hour, but this really works. So you’ve gone on several dates, probably kissed and stuff, and now you’re not into him. Keep hanging out with him but stop doing “the stuff.” He will definitely notice this but he’s too nice to actually say something about it. A couple more hangout like this and BAM. He’s a friend.

How do you get rid of a nice guy?

Bachelor Recap: Sean Goes Tropical

Sean and the 6 women take a seaplane to St Croix. Who’s left? Lesley, AshLee, Des, Catharine, Tierra,  Lindsay. He is optimistic his wife is in this batch. Tierra starts the episode off the right way by making sure her bed is nowhere near anyone else’s. AshLee gets the first one-on-one date for the week. Tierra calls her a cougar because she’s 32 years old. Relax bro. Not everyone wants to be married by 24 (me included).

Sean picks AshLee up in this weird salmon-y pink colored top. OMG they’re on a catamaran. I was on the SAME boat in Costa Rica for a 5 hour excursion where I proceeded to almost vomit from sea-sickness.. but anyway, AshLee doesn’t seem concerned as she strips down to her bikini. Wait, her parents abandoned her? When did she reveal this? I missed it. Someone fill me in please!

The girls gossip about how much they hate Tierra and they hope AshLee tells him. Cut to the them on the beach and Sean asks about drama. AshLee tells him how it is about how it’s her vs. the house and different she acts around them then she does around Sean. It’s clear that she’s being honest with him and not just being a catty bitch. They make out on the beach. Sigh.

The next date card arrives for Tierra who gets to explore the town of St. Croix around the town. Obviously she doesn’t seem excited because she doesn’t want her make-up to drip off her face? Gurllll relax. Lesley M said it best when she said “I hate that bitch.” Preach. We all hate that bitch.

Back to AshLee and Sean and their romantic beach dinner. Sean seems like he already decided he wants to meet her family but she wants to get one more thing off her chest. Okay, so the story is that 15 years ago when she was in highschool with her adopted parents and was having a hard time and she got married at 17. Is that even legal? They were dating 2 years and married for a year in HIGHSCHOOL. Wow. Sean is thinking “that shit cray”. I mean I get that she had issues with her mom, but was getting married really the right way to handle it? I guess at 17 it seems like the only way out.. I don’t know.. I’m torn about this. Sean doesn’t seem to care too much. “I think you’re perfect the way you are”. Cute. And then AshLee screams at the top of her lungs “I love Sean”. Too soon? There’s still 5 other girls left. They usually wait until at earliest top 4 or 3. But top 6? Ballsy move AshLee.

Next up: Tierra meets up with Sean who is wearing a much better colored shit today. Phew. They go shopping together and get matching necklaces. They wind up in the middle of this wild mardi-gras like parade and Tierra clearly drops it like its hot but it’s edited out and you just see her bopping around the people on stilts. Sean asks what’s been going on. She says with what? As if there’s anything else REALLY going on in your life besides this show and the house and all the drama you’re causing. But okay lets play dumb and tell Sean how the girls won’t accept you. Liar liar pants on fire. Bitch. At dinner Tierra tells him she felt distant from him during the day and asked him why. He tells her that the drama in the house is making him uneasy. So she tells him shes falling in love with him to try to get into his good graces.

(cut to the house Catharine, Desire, Lindsay gets the group date. And Lesley gets the final one on one. why do they interrupt dates like this? not sure)

Sean wakes the girls up and takes pics of the girls fresh outta bed without showering and without makeup. Rude, but hilarious. Catharine says “I just need to pee and go”. My kinda girl, roughin’ it without makeup. This is cute, he wants them to see the sunrise from the most far east part of the US – making them the first people in America to see the sunrise. Fucking awesome. AND MIMOSAS? #dreamcometrue. They roadtrip from one side of the island to the other to see the sunrise on the other side and they are making a couple stops in between. Great date idea. Props producers.

(Lesley’s date card arrives – I hope our love stands the test of time)

Des makes the most of her time and makes sure to grab shotgun and take time away from the other 2 ladies. There’s a rose on the date and obviously they all think they deserve it. He takes time with each of them to decide who to get that rose and ultimately whos family he wants to meet the most. Catharine’s time with him is very depressing, again. Last week we find out someone died in front of her. This week she tells Sean if he comes home with her he won’t be meeting her dad because when she was 14 he tried to commit suicide in front of her and her sister and he got taken away from her. How is this woman a functioning human being with all this fucked up shit that goes on in her life? I break a nail and I’m all FUCK EVERYTHING IS MIZ and she goes through all this and is still the cutest most bubbly girl of the group. Props to you Catharine. I like you more and more each week. Lindsay gets the rose.

Final date is Lesley’s. Her skirt is so friggen adorable. At the start of this date, Sean thinks he has stronger feelings for the other girls. Lesley now thinks she’s one of those foolish girls saying she’s falling in love with him already. I mean, the other 5 girls said it so you might as well.. But she chickens out during the day part of the date. Sean can see she’s still nervous and wants them to move past that a bit. Mmmm slow kiss.. that was hot.. she clearly thinks so too.

Sean has a sit down with his sister. He can see the possibility of marriage with all of them, which is an issue that none stand out. She raises her valid concerns about picking the wrong girl who doesn’t reveal all of herself to him. In the midst of that, AshLee and Tierra drama arises. I fastforward this on and off because I’m bored. Sorry guys – it’s really not worth writing about. Blah blah blah sabotage..blah blah blah you’re rude, I’ve had enough, blah blah I have a sparkle (what?), I can’t control my eyebrows (what?!)…Sean grabs Tierra to meet his sister right after her big shabang with AshLee. So she’s obviously there crying like a fucking bitch and stops the SECOND he walks in. He says he wanted her to meet his sister BUT IN A TWIST OF EVENTS HE SENDS HER HOME. SMART MAN SEAN. SMART MAN. Bye bye crazy bitch. See ya at the reunion show.

He tells all the girls Tierra went home tonight.  They all smile (just like we did).  They did NOT smile when he said there was going to be no cocktail party because he already made his decision for the week. So right to the rose ceremony.

Lindsay already has one.
Des. Catharine. AshLee.

That means goodbye to Lesley M. Super sad. I feel like I had her pegged in my top 4. Catharine freaks out because she thought he and her had more in common that she and him do and now she’s not sure SHE’s what he wants. Cath – you got a rose. Relax. Lesley is upset and heartbroken. Limo rides out.

Okay so next week is hometowns. These are the make or break dates and my favorites to watch all season. So excited for next week!!

Tales From Online Dating: OKCreeper

Hi. My name is Cara, and I’ve tried online dating. After much peer pressure and growing curiosity, I finally made an OKCupid profile. For those of you who don’t know, OKCupid is a free online dating site popular with people in their 20’s. After 2 weeks on the site, the jury is still out on whether online dating is awesome or awful. While I do enjoy the prospect of potentially meeting a really cool guy, I think I enjoy the creepy messages even more.

 

For every seemingly normal guy you meet, there are about 8 others who are straight up creepers. My fascination with the site really lies in the messages these crazy guys send. Do these things actually work on women?! Here are some of my favorites below and something tells me that this will be a recurring blog post because there are no short of creepers on OKCupid (I’ve erased the names of the profiles to protect the privacy of the creepers):

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Thank you for reading my profile and noticing I like Guster. However, I do not appreciate the extremely awkward overshare and the fact that you completely change the subject as if I wouldn’t notice?

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At least you are self aware. For the record I was planning to delete right after reading the cheesy pick up line. The creepy fetish was just the icing on the cake.
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Why thank you sir! I’m happy I meet all your criteria… being a Jew. Please don’t talk about my family. I don’t even know you.
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Not that!
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Thanks for assuming I’m racist. Please know that I am not messaging you back because you called me baby, not because you are black.
Have you done online dating? Any funny stories to share?

Bachelor Recap Week 2

Tonight instead of watching at home with my mom, I’m sitting in the most gorgeous NYC apartment with my work girls sipping on wine and noshing on italian food and cupcakes. I couldn’t be more content and I know watching the Bachelor will just the icing on the cake of a perfect Monday night.
OMG SEAN IN A SHOWER. Can the show open up with this every week? Yes? Wonderful.

Chris Harrison, quite dashing, announces the dates for the week. Oh hayyy first date card. Sarah with the one arm gets the first one on one time. She wants to cry. “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we will stop having fun.” Cue the helicopter (shocker). Sarah what’s with the ugly pink shirt? You could do way better.  Also she’s already talking about this being a fairytale. It’s the first date. Relax, lady.

Sean takes Sarah to the top of this super fall building for a champagne toast. They need to free fall to get to the table. HOW IS SHE GOING TO DO THIS WITH ONE ARM? What a horrible idea. But Sarah wants to be courageous and take the plunge together with him. They sit down to ease their way in. Stop being pussys and just jump. Countdown – go! They make it and hug. How sweettttt.

Sarah tells Sean about going ziplining in Vegas with her dad. One of the employees told her she couldn’t go because people with disabilities weren’t allowed by law. She was humiliated. Sad music starts playing… Okay I mean I get it. She has one arm and it’s super sad. But she’s also really pretty and seems down to earth. I hate that she’s playing up the one arm thing. She could’ve told him a million other different stories. Also, I’m sort of convinced she has a prosthetic arm that she usually wears on the daily but isn’t wearing it for the show.

Sarah talks about her ex. She needs someone more adventurous and is convinced Sean is everything she is looking for. Because after the 3 hour date I’m sure she knows he’s her meant to be. Sarah gets a rose. No kiss? Oh wait there we go. Sean goes in for some tongue. She keeps her lips into a peck not letting that slip into her mouth. You are a silly girl Sarah. Anyone would let Sean eat their face off.

Group date card:
Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie B, Tierra

“Lets capture the romance.” Pictures!

“He was kinda like, ‘Princess I’m coming.’” Or he was like “Hey SLUTSSSS lets go in the hottub.” Sean brings them into this outrageous house and announces they are taking book cover pics for actual books. The model freaks out because she can actually be famous from this! I’m freaking out because I’m assuming Sean will be half naked for the next 20 minutes.

Robyn hates Tierra and thinks he is fake. Tierra boobs are pretty much out of her shirt while she gets her makeup done. Sean may or may not think Tierra has a catty side. Tierra seems a little sneaky sneaky and might be doing some backstabbing later on. Excited for moarrr drama ahead. Amanda thinks she’s really clever by using two words with r “romance and rose”. Lesley M has a rockin’ bod and a flat stomach that I’d kill for (as I sit here and eat 4 more cupcakes). Lesley and Sean kiss and pisses off the other betches. Kristy is making sure to get handsy and hottt. It felt a little porno-ish. I didn’t hate it.

Lesley M grabs Sean for some alone time at the next part of the date. I happen to really like her. She’s not outrageously pretty but she’s cute and she doesn’t seem TOO bitchy. They seem to have some chemistry and Sean wants to kiss her but she seems kinda nervous and just wants to stare at him. DUMB. KISS HIM YOU IDIOT. You potentially have one of the hottest guys in America next to you and you didn’t straddle him?! I’m confused, Lesley. You let me down…. Oh wait, there she goes. Even a little tongue action AAYYYYY. There we go!!!

Kacie B what are you wearing? A dress? A tank top? A romper? I mean I know you have some nice legs and all but your hoo-ha is about to make an appearance. Sean says he’s happy she’s there but I feel like she is totally in the friend zone. He hesitated when he said he wanted to transition her to a more romantic-zone. I love her, but I don’t think she’s going to last long…

Sean talks to more of the girls. They seem to be getting drunker as the night goes on. It’s so obvious how wasted they are. It’s pretty hilarious. Tierra is sitting alone and eating/ seems mopey. Sean notices that she is guarded. Tierra is #struggling. But Sean re-assures her that he’s diggin’ her and wants her to stick around.

Date Card: Desiree gets the one on one. “Love is priceless”. I really really like Desiree.

Back to the group date! Katie’s hair is out of control. And is clearly not comfortable with this show. “The more girls who leave on their own the easier it is”. LOL. I love the slight bitchiness from Kacie B. Makes me happy. Katie is crying. WAH. Katie leaves. Kthanksbai. Pick up some hair gel on the way out thanksssss. “I try to downplay things in front of the girls but I’m super stoaked”. Keep those one-liners going Kacie B and you’ll keep getting those ROSES!

Sean is taking Desiree to this like fake art gallery filled with actors pretending to work there. Sean wants to see how she reacts when she thinks she broke an expensive piece of art…. umm so Sarah gets a helicopter ride and Desiree gets punked? Seems a little unbalanced there. On the plus side, she is rockin’ the red lip and black dress. “Hopefully she can take a joke”. I hope so because I would be MORTIFIED. Sean is second guessing his decision to bring her and feels bad. Uhhh yeah bro. Maybe not the best date idea. So anyway, Des is alone with all the hidden cameras. The piece of art breaks. She looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the situation. Photographer walks in and she immediately goes on defense “I didn’t touch it. It just fell.” Sean feels awful. Des wants to die. I would’ve been like “Sooooo NOW do I get a helicopter or….?”

Back at the house with a bottle of red wine. Desiree asks questions and wants to get to know him (I don’t think she watched his season?). She explains how perfectly in love her parents are. Sean is all “OMG my parents totes love each other too”. #notreality. But they’re cute together and his hand seems nice and comfy on her thigh. Then Des puts on a bathing suit. Here, the room goes “WOAH” at her body and a collective sigh when Sean’s shirt gets taken off. They talk about love – what is love? baby don’t hurt me…. Des is offered a rose. She pranks him back and hesitates when taking the rose. They kiss in the pool. Inappropriate comments about how Sean may or may not be touching her nipples overtake our conversation.

Lindsay, the girl in the wedding dress last week, admits she was wasted at the last cocktail party. “The champagne was flowing” aka “I was shithoused.” She’s a lot more normal this week which is refreshing to see. Smart lady to grab him up right away before she’s had one too many again. Sean seems kinda flustered because he’s starting to see good qualities in anyone.

As I see how pretty Kacie B and Des look, I decide if I had goten a rose already, I would just show up in my sweats. They’re there for HOURS and if I was already “safe” I wouldn’t waste my time getting all done up for no reason. #justsaying

Anyway, back to the show – Amanda is being bitchcity, sitting alone with a pout on her face and the girls are noticing the “tornado of negativity” around her. Why is she drinking out of a Christmas coffee mug? Weirdsies. Robyn notices how “culturally diverse” the girls are aka she’s nervous he doesn’t like black chicks. Is she gunna ask him about this?!?! UH AWKWARD. Sean repsonds with “I don’t have a type.” Race wasn’t a part of his criteria, which is refreshing, since in the past 6 seasons if there was ever a black contestant, they were kicked off after week 1.

Kacie B stirs up some drama and asks the girls who they want to see go home. AMANDA. Who then walks into the room and steals her for a bit. Amanda is wearing roses as shoulder pads. #notcute. Des is crying (why?) because she doesn’t think Amanda is here for the right reasons.

Rose Ceremony:
Sarah, Des, Kacie B who already have roses
Ashley, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catharine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella,  and Amanda (the room is annoyed).

My front runners:
1. Lesley M
2. Taryn
3. Des
4. Sarah
5. Selma