break ups

The 5 Stages of a BreakUp

We’ve all been there. We never want to be there again. But don’t worry… there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. The “Everything Tastes Like Paper” Stage
This is when you are literally so upset you cannot eat. You wake up in the morning feeling sick, you go to bed feeling sick. You get hunger pains somewhere between the hours of noon and 4PM and settle for half a cupcake and a handfull of teddy grahams to fill the gaping hole in your stomach. Vodka becomes your major food group. And coffee. And weed. You also spend a lot of your nights staring at a blank wall because everywhere you turn, there’s your ex. Wanna listen to your ipod? Nope. All their music is on there. Wanna watch TV? Sorry, all your favorite shows are on and you can’t talk to them about it. Want to just walk around aimlessly? Negative. It will remind you of that ONE aimless walk you took together. And you will cry. For hours.

2. The “Holy Shit Why Haven’t I Eaten In a Month Food is EVERYTHING” Stage
You are pretty satisfied with your emaciated post-break up bod. However, once the initial shock, sadness, and anger passes you realize how fucking hungry you are. And suddenly every single thing you eat is the best thing to ever pass your lips. One day during this stage I had a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a cheeseburger and cheese fries for lunch, some goldfish, some cookies, some pretzels  and Chinese food for dinner. Yes I realize this is disgusting and I didn’t even mention I threw up 3 hours before this binge because of the excessive alcohol drinking, but hey, food is life at that point.

3. The “Fuck, I am About to Do Something Terrible” Stage
This can manifest in a variety of ways. You can either drunk text/ sext/ call the ex. You can make out with someone you really unattracted to and feel horrible about yourself after. You can recycle an old booty call and have weird, messy sex .. and feel horrible about yourself after. No matter what terrible thing you do, you will literally hate yourself for it.

*here is where stages 1-3 repeat as needed.

4. The “Let Me Get My Shit Together” Stage
This stage is a slow transition back to normalcy. You stop drinking as heavily as you were. You delete your ex from your phone, your facebook, and your everyday thoughts. You focus on something positive – like your job or a new hobby. You toy with the idea of joining OK Cupid and your best friends make you go on a Grouper.

5. The “Phew, I guess I’m Ok Now” Stage
This last stage is crucial because one wrong move, one wrong text, or one wrong phone call will lead you right back to all those horrible feelings. With some strength, some good luck, and a new fuck buddy, you will power through and move on with your life.

Did you experience this or something different?