The Bachelor Finale

Full disclosure: I am like 6 hours behind on the Bachelor. I haven’t watched since the one before hometowns (oops) but I couldn’t avoid spoilers and I knew if I missed the finale I would be so out of the loop and wouldn’t be able to handle it. So here we go – the epic 3 hour finale recap.

Spending the last week of the show in Thailand. Lucky bitches – my dream is to spend a week exploring all the islands of Thailand. Sean meets his family and is excited for them to meet the two remaining women. Stop it, his niece and nephew are the cutest effing kids, especially after the nephew blurts “Emily didn’t pick you.” EPIC BURN YOU 5 YEAR OLD. Sean’s mom is nervous, especially after Sean says he has no idea who he’s picking.

Catherine looks cute in her dress but she could’ve done something nicer with her hair. I’m assuming it’s just Thailand weather..She hugs the family and wears a super nervous plastered smile on her face. She tells Sean’s family she played football on the boy’s team when she was like 12. Early signs of a bad-ass chick. Catherine tells his mom about the cute little love/silly notes they would write each other every week. And that if he popped the question she’d say yes. Momma seems to approve of her which is nice to see. Dad seems like he has a crush on her… a little creeped out by him. Justsaying.. Catherine says their time together is spent laughing and eating…she left out making out and telling him about all the horrible things that happened in her childhood but ya know whatever that’s okay. Sean’s dad says if she’s the one he will love her like a daughter. My mom is crying. Catherine is crying. I’m still a little sketched out by him? Is that bad? I’m sure he means well.

Lindsay is up next. Yes Sean she does look cute. Hugs all around. The niece is wearing a bow – I’m melting into a mushball of cuteness. I also hate the way Lindsay talks. Her voice annoys me. Dad seems to be asking her a lot more serious questions. Is it because he doesn’t like her or because he realized he just fell in love with Catherine without really asking her anything too serious? Can’t tell. Dad talks about how he’s prayed for Sean’s wife since the day he was born and Lindsay starts to cry. Okay okay he’s a nice guy. Sorry about my previous comment – my mind has been changed!! Okay Mom’s up grillin’ Lindsay. She seems pleased with her answers. Lindsay is super emotional about all this. Fair.

Family opinions: they love them both, they’ll both fit in. They don’t want Sean to propose at all if it feels like too much pressure. Sean just wants their support above their opinion. His mom’s hysterical crying because it’s a huge decision and she doesn’t want him to do anything he’s not sure about. My mom’s crying too. I’m a stone cold robot about all this. Thank youuuu cynicism.

On his late date with Lindsay, Sean wears the ugliest outfit of the season. But his arms look fantastic – I just wanna bite his shoulders. Yeah I said it. Anyway, they take a raft on a river drinking champagne and drinking in the view. Lindsay feels like she knows him SO well. Let me tell you girl, there’s not a shot in hell you know him as well as you feel you do. For dinner, Sean realized how awful that tank top was and changed into a typical Sean v-neck. Lindsay says he has everything she ever wanted in a husband and she’s nervous about losing him. She wishes he knew what he was thinking. “I’m glad I’m here right now.” Wow. That’s…romantic? Not. I mean he’s totally not allowed to say I love you to anyone until the proposal but it must suck to pour your heart out to someone and for them to not return anything at all. Sean thinks she’s the one for her …for now…until his date with Catherine.

Wait… hold on… Lindsay is 24?!?!?! She’s MY AGE and is husband crazy already? AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?? Am I the only one the world who wants nothing to do with marriage until like 30? This is blowing my mind right now.. Check my twitter for further rant on this.. Back to the show..

Catherine’s time for a final date. And as I said, he’s like oh right she’s here too. I like her. Confused all over again. Blah Blah. Cue huge ass elephant. “Here’s our transportation for the day.” Ironic, because I was just telling someone that I rode an elephant at the circus as a kid and the joke “riding something with a big trunk” was the highlight of my day. This looks so cool. They’re looking at this gorgeous view and talking about their future together. Catherine says she was fighting back planning a future with him but now she’s letting herself because she feels so good about it. Catherine thinks she’s played it calm this whole time because she’s needed to play it safe but now if she doesn’t open up she doesn’t get another chance. Sidenote: how much money do you think they spend a season on booze? They are always drinking. Catherine opens up and speaks so much more eloquently than Lindsay. I like her so much more, as a person and for Sean. UGH Catherine is practically shaking when she says i love you for the first time and he says, “thank you for today.” AWFUL. She doesn’t see a glimmer of love in his eyes and follows him out crying. She’s pissed. I don’t blame her. How do you open up so much to someone and be okay with not hearing anything back?  Ugh I feel for her.

Time to pick out engagement rings! Bling blinngggg. I’ll take one of each please! Holy shit he picks the shiny-est one. Good taste, bro that is a ROCK. Sean gets emotional. Lindsay is wearing a stunning gown…and is super confident that she is the one that’s going to stand there at the end with him. Catherine in an equally as gorgeous dress is less excited, more overwhelmingly nervous going into the unknown.

Thank goodness we get a little Chris Harrison action during commercial breaks. Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie are sitting the audience. Lesley thinks he will pick Catherine. Sarah is team Lindsay. AshLee just wants what’s best for him and sees Lindsay as the winner. Jackie for Lindsay.

Sean is dreading saying goodbye to one of the girls. Lindsay’s up first. This is never a good sign. She’s going to vomit when he doesn’t propose. Like, seriously. She will be devastated. I almost don’t want to watch. But I can’t stop now, obviously. Here it comes… his heart is somewhere else. Waiting for her to jump right into the water. Girl, you need to walk away because he is not going to stop talking and he’s kind of making this worse. Super uncomfortable. She takes off her heels. Her and Chris Harrison don’t even speak. Even after a million of these seasons, this is the worst moment.

And here comes the letter from Catherine. Shit if she backs out, that would just be terrible. Phew, this is a happy letter. I was seriously nervous for a second, but it’s just her being cute and continuing to write him little love notes. Too cute. She can’t breathe when he proposes. I think she might faint. Or vomit out of happiness. “I love you so much I do I’m gunna tell you everyday”.

One last thing. Will you accept the final rose? Yes. ANNDD SCENE.

Bachelor Recap: Sean Goes Tropical

Sean and the 6 women take a seaplane to St Croix. Who’s left? Lesley, AshLee, Des, Catharine, Tierra,  Lindsay. He is optimistic his wife is in this batch. Tierra starts the episode off the right way by making sure her bed is nowhere near anyone else’s. AshLee gets the first one-on-one date for the week. Tierra calls her a cougar because she’s 32 years old. Relax bro. Not everyone wants to be married by 24 (me included).

Sean picks AshLee up in this weird salmon-y pink colored top. OMG they’re on a catamaran. I was on the SAME boat in Costa Rica for a 5 hour excursion where I proceeded to almost vomit from sea-sickness.. but anyway, AshLee doesn’t seem concerned as she strips down to her bikini. Wait, her parents abandoned her? When did she reveal this? I missed it. Someone fill me in please!

The girls gossip about how much they hate Tierra and they hope AshLee tells him. Cut to the them on the beach and Sean asks about drama. AshLee tells him how it is about how it’s her vs. the house and different she acts around them then she does around Sean. It’s clear that she’s being honest with him and not just being a catty bitch. They make out on the beach. Sigh.

The next date card arrives for Tierra who gets to explore the town of St. Croix around the town. Obviously she doesn’t seem excited because she doesn’t want her make-up to drip off her face? Gurllll relax. Lesley M said it best when she said “I hate that bitch.” Preach. We all hate that bitch.

Back to AshLee and Sean and their romantic beach dinner. Sean seems like he already decided he wants to meet her family but she wants to get one more thing off her chest. Okay, so the story is that 15 years ago when she was in highschool with her adopted parents and was having a hard time and she got married at 17. Is that even legal? They were dating 2 years and married for a year in HIGHSCHOOL. Wow. Sean is thinking “that shit cray”. I mean I get that she had issues with her mom, but was getting married really the right way to handle it? I guess at 17 it seems like the only way out.. I don’t know.. I’m torn about this. Sean doesn’t seem to care too much. “I think you’re perfect the way you are”. Cute. And then AshLee screams at the top of her lungs “I love Sean”. Too soon? There’s still 5 other girls left. They usually wait until at earliest top 4 or 3. But top 6? Ballsy move AshLee.

Next up: Tierra meets up with Sean who is wearing a much better colored shit today. Phew. They go shopping together and get matching necklaces. They wind up in the middle of this wild mardi-gras like parade and Tierra clearly drops it like its hot but it’s edited out and you just see her bopping around the people on stilts. Sean asks what’s been going on. She says with what? As if there’s anything else REALLY going on in your life besides this show and the house and all the drama you’re causing. But okay lets play dumb and tell Sean how the girls won’t accept you. Liar liar pants on fire. Bitch. At dinner Tierra tells him she felt distant from him during the day and asked him why. He tells her that the drama in the house is making him uneasy. So she tells him shes falling in love with him to try to get into his good graces.

(cut to the house Catharine, Desire, Lindsay gets the group date. And Lesley gets the final one on one. why do they interrupt dates like this? not sure)

Sean wakes the girls up and takes pics of the girls fresh outta bed without showering and without makeup. Rude, but hilarious. Catharine says “I just need to pee and go”. My kinda girl, roughin’ it without makeup. This is cute, he wants them to see the sunrise from the most far east part of the US – making them the first people in America to see the sunrise. Fucking awesome. AND MIMOSAS? #dreamcometrue. They roadtrip from one side of the island to the other to see the sunrise on the other side and they are making a couple stops in between. Great date idea. Props producers.

(Lesley’s date card arrives – I hope our love stands the test of time)

Des makes the most of her time and makes sure to grab shotgun and take time away from the other 2 ladies. There’s a rose on the date and obviously they all think they deserve it. He takes time with each of them to decide who to get that rose and ultimately whos family he wants to meet the most. Catharine’s time with him is very depressing, again. Last week we find out someone died in front of her. This week she tells Sean if he comes home with her he won’t be meeting her dad because when she was 14 he tried to commit suicide in front of her and her sister and he got taken away from her. How is this woman a functioning human being with all this fucked up shit that goes on in her life? I break a nail and I’m all FUCK EVERYTHING IS MIZ and she goes through all this and is still the cutest most bubbly girl of the group. Props to you Catharine. I like you more and more each week. Lindsay gets the rose.

Final date is Lesley’s. Her skirt is so friggen adorable. At the start of this date, Sean thinks he has stronger feelings for the other girls. Lesley now thinks she’s one of those foolish girls saying she’s falling in love with him already. I mean, the other 5 girls said it so you might as well.. But she chickens out during the day part of the date. Sean can see she’s still nervous and wants them to move past that a bit. Mmmm slow kiss.. that was hot.. she clearly thinks so too.

Sean has a sit down with his sister. He can see the possibility of marriage with all of them, which is an issue that none stand out. She raises her valid concerns about picking the wrong girl who doesn’t reveal all of herself to him. In the midst of that, AshLee and Tierra drama arises. I fastforward this on and off because I’m bored. Sorry guys – it’s really not worth writing about. Blah blah blah sabotage..blah blah blah you’re rude, I’ve had enough, blah blah I have a sparkle (what?), I can’t control my eyebrows (what?!)…Sean grabs Tierra to meet his sister right after her big shabang with AshLee. So she’s obviously there crying like a fucking bitch and stops the SECOND he walks in. He says he wanted her to meet his sister BUT IN A TWIST OF EVENTS HE SENDS HER HOME. SMART MAN SEAN. SMART MAN. Bye bye crazy bitch. See ya at the reunion show.

He tells all the girls Tierra went home tonight.  They all smile (just like we did).  They did NOT smile when he said there was going to be no cocktail party because he already made his decision for the week. So right to the rose ceremony.

Lindsay already has one.
Des. Catharine. AshLee.

That means goodbye to Lesley M. Super sad. I feel like I had her pegged in my top 4. Catharine freaks out because she thought he and her had more in common that she and him do and now she’s not sure SHE’s what he wants. Cath – you got a rose. Relax. Lesley is upset and heartbroken. Limo rides out.

Okay so next week is hometowns. These are the make or break dates and my favorites to watch all season. So excited for next week!!

Bachelor Recap: 2 Days Last Week?!

I am currently 6 hours behind on the Bachelor, thanks to the fact that there were TWO days of Bachelor aired last week – the ONE week I decide to have a life and not be around Monday or Tuesday to watch. Tonight, I will sum up these 2 episodes and later this week I will recap THIS weeks – just in time to (hopefully) watch next week’s hometown dates (ALREADY?!) when it airs. Okay to the 3 of you that read – thanks for waiting and here we go..

Girls are packing their bags and heading to Montana for three dates this week.

Lindsay gets the one-on-one “let love soar”. Airplane? Helicopter? Who cares, Sean is wearing plaid and lookin’ like a cute lil cowboy. BOOM helicopter. Nailed it. They ride over Glacier National Park. Lucky bitches. Sean and Lindsay think they know eachother already (doubtful) and are all lovey dovey kissing by the mountains. Sean asks her to open up about her childhood.. I’m impressed that he remembered these details he told her about being an army brat. It must be really hard to keep track of all the girls’ backstories. I feel like at this point, the guys would still need to be wearing name tags for me.. This is quite the boring date to watch. Lindsay obviously get a rose and they head to a concert and kiss more.

Group date card reveals that Tierra and Jackie are the 2 on the 2-on-1. Tierra doesn’t seem worried, she’s just more happy to not be with the other 8 girls on another group date. But that date will come later… next up is the group date. Goats and Chris Harrison? My kind of date. The girls get broken into teams of 4 for a Montana relay. This is cute and different – good job producers! The relay must end with someone drinking goats milk. I hope someone vomits. Losing team gets no second half of the date. Lets the claws come out baby!! Red team (Des Robyn Selma Sarah) wins, Des chuggeddd that milk. No vom, but still entertaining. Sean decides to bend the rules a bit and doesn’t wanna send people home with people he hasn’t spent enough time with. He decides to invite the other girls on the group date BACK to the party. Super sweet and the girls are excited. I’m sure the other 4 girls who thought they’d get all this time alone with him will NOT be as excited. I was right…

Red team girls are talking smack. Sean is doing an interview and here creeps Tierra. Ummm what are you doing here?! Is this real life? This bitch cray. YOU WERE NOT INVITED. Even Sean was all “WTF, bro?” But clearly not too pissed since he didn’t shoo her away and kissed her goodnight. Thank the lord she didn’t go up and crash the party with the other girls there or I think they would’ve punched her in the face.

Des gets made when AshLee steals Sean. AshLee proclaims she’s already falling in love. Sean wants to snuggle with Catharine. They’re kinda cute together honestly. They’re both so smiley and giggly and adorbs. I kinda wanna snuggle with Catharine. Daniella sees Catharine on his lap and feels uncomfortable. Probably because Daniella has maybe spent 25 seconds with him and has had 10 seconds of air time.. I’d be pissed too and not shocked to see the betch cry. Tears immediately stop when he kisses her and she feels a whole lot better when she gets the rose.

Finally the two on one date and I’m already annoyed at Tierra. I’m honestly going to fast forward most of this part because I don’t want to hear her speak. They ride horses – Tierra and Sean ride ahead and leave Jackie behind, which I know (thanks spoilers) that Jackie does eventually get sent home after this even though she talked a whole buncha smack to him about Tierra, I guess it didn’t work. WompWomp. Sidenote: when Sean talks to one girl on these dates, what does the other one do? Sit and eat? Drink? Talk to the producers? It’s probably super awk. Also I LOVE the way the editors cut to Tierra hysterical laughing after Jackie got sent home. Amazois.

Cocktail party – Des is a little uneasy and confused leaving Sean uneasy and confused. Tierra wants to punch everyone in that room. Ironic, because everyone in American wants to punch Tierra. More Tierra drama. I’m so over her. Sean is finally coming to his senses that maybe she’s not being completely real. Sean and Chris have some bro time.

Robyn gets sent home this week. I’m really glad he saved Des because she’s just adorable.

My DVR did this really awesome thing where it didn’t record the episode.. so here’s the shortest post ever on this week.The girls go to Canada. Catharine gets a one-on-one which I can only imagine was full of her being cute and laughing at all his jokes and a lot of Eskimo kisses and 3rd grade like lovin. Shit got real when Catharine opened up that she watched a girl die in front of her when she was 12. Holy shit. Is that real life? How do you even get over that? Fucking tragic… I can’t even deal.. She gets a rose.

The group date involved a canoe. One armed Sarah struggled… I wonder what was harder – canoeing with one arm or roller blading with one arm. They then do a polar bear plunge! The ambulence is called again thanks to Tierra. Who knows if she was really experiencing hypothermia or not. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a huge fake. I kinda hate her if you can’t tell.

Desire also gets a one on one since Sean wasn’t completely feeling it with her on the last episode. He needed time to see what they had. He becomes smitten with her yet again and she gets a rose.

Other highlights: Sarah gets sent home. Super emotional city. Selma kisses him (I KNEW SHE WOULD) but also gets sent home with Daniella – who I legit didn’t even know her name until this week so that wasn’t a surprise.

This week, Monday Feb 11, coming on THURSDAY this week. Back on track ladies and gents. #LETSGOO

Bachelor Recap Week Four

Wait….the show opened in the house? WHERE IS SEAN WORKING OUT WITH HIS SHIRT OFF? Super disappointed and it’s only 8:02… oh jk they waited until 2 minutes in and for making us wait we not only get him topless but also with a hott pair of briefs. Yum.

Selma gets the first date card of the week. She’s already talking about having his babies. They’ve had no date yet. Leslie cries because she wanted the date. First tears 3 minutes in. This is gunna be a good one I can feel it..

Selma says she can’t dance with a partner. She also mentions that she’s 110 pounds.. funny that’s how much I weighed in high school. They pull up to a plane and she’s casually laying in his lap as if they’ve been dating for months. Side note: on the plane ride to Costa Rica, I snuggled up to the window seat about to try as we hit turbulence  my boyfriend watched a movie. Again, it’s like I’m looking into a mirror of my life.

They land in a desert. She’s freaking out because she hates the heat (maybe she’ll melt?). She claims she feels “puffy”. What does that even mean? She does not seem to fit into this active lifestyle of his, yet here she goes attempting to rock climb. It’s not like the rock climb with the plastic foot holes. It’s an actual boulder. I’m shocked that she climbed this monster. I can imagine she felt amazing accomplishing this, but not my idea of a romantic date. How did they get down from the rock they just climbed?! Helicopter? Did they have to climb back down? Curious.. (I tweeted him and asked. I doubt he’ll answer but it’s worth a shot). Part 2 of the date involves a lot less “glam” and a lot more “white trash”. But to be fair, the RVs are pretty pimped out (PIMP MY RV? Interested, MTV?!). Too bad she wasted her pretty dress on this dinner date. Sean speculates they’re gunna kiss at the end of the night. Selma thinks kissing him on national TV is not something she wants to do because she grew up in a strict Muslim home. I give her a week before she gives into him even though she says otherwise. Selma gets the rose. They hug and he gives her this cute little kiss on the forehead.

Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catharine, Amanda, Ashlee, Sara, Tierra: “I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches”.  The lucky gals get to go on a roller derby date. Definitely something I’d wanna try one day. The ladies sit in the limo sipping mimosas. I think they’d re-think that choice of getting wasted if they knew what the date was going to entail. I’m nervous for one-armed Sarah, she will totes be at a disadvantage with only one elbow to use (sorry that sounded mean, I really do like her).  Tierra is excited to get her aggression out on the bitches. Robyn already busted her ass before they even get to play (flashback to her getting out of the limo). Seems to be the theme of the date – they’re all falling. It’s hilarious. Sarah is seriously struggling, as I said she would. She’s crying. I feel terrible. AshLee cheers her on which is super sweet because it IS a competition and she doesn’t have to be nice to her.  She pretty much says “fuck this, I’m in” and tries again. Super a trooper. Amanda wipes out and knocks her chin on the floor. That’s what you get for being a cocky bitch, bitch. #sorrynotsorry. The medic says she could’ve broken her jaw. I have a feeling she had one too many mimosas…and she’s off to the hospital. Sean feels bad and doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt so he turns the game into a free skating party.

The girls trade in their skates for heels and head off to dinner atop a fancy rooftop bar. Sarah gets time with him and says she was embarrassed but thanks him for being so great about the way she acted at the rink. Amanda comes back and is okay, no breaks just pain. She decides to “milk the sympathy card”.  I really don’t like her.

Cut to the house to see who gets a one on one date – Leslie H (the one who cried at the begininng) “Could this be forever”. She gets a pair of bling bling earrings to wear as well. This must be some fancy shmancy date. Selma must be mad that she had dinner near an RV park and Leslie has these super expensive earrings to wear.

On the rooftop, Tierra catches an attitude. Shocker. She tells Sarah she hates it here and she’s about to walk out. She talks to a producer and says she wants to leave. I think she’s doing this just for the attention to hear him ask her to stay. Moar tears. Sean is about to get in the hottub when he spots Tierra crying like a crazy woman. She says how she’s breaking down and is freaking out and blah blah blah. He says he’d be sad if she left. She says he’s still the guy she came here for and wants her time without all the other ladies. He leaves, she smirks because her plan worked. The tears and the drama ..and she’s gunna get the rose. This betch knows how to play the game. Bravo. I don’t like her, but bravo girll.

Leslie H (Poker Dealer?!) is ready to get out of the house for her first real date with Sean. “I’d rather have me and Sean together forever than these diamond earrings”.. I’d rather have Sean AND the diamonds, thanksssss 🙂 Diggin’ Sean’s sexy outfit with his little vest. Leslie is getting a princess date – shopping on Rodeo Drive. Ummm yes please! Sean says this is every girl’s dream. Sean is correct, especially if said girl is not picking up the tab. Leslie grabs ONE dress at first. I would’ve grabbed them all and had myself a little fashion show. “Winner winner chicken dinner.” Leslie’s little lines show me she’s kind of a nerd (“holy moly batman”). I am not so much a fan of the dress she picked but DAMN that necklace…HO-LY SHIT. 120 cts of diamonds. My luck if I had that on, the clasp would break and the necklace would fall into my soup at dinner (#reasonswhyIcouldneverbeonthisshow).

— commercial break and mom complains there should be a “old people bachelor”… no words. —

Leslie says “holy moly” again.. Does that turn guys on? Leslie talks about how she dated someone for 7 years and thought she was going to marry him but they grew apart. Her laugh is awkward. I don’t not-like her but I don’t love her. I don’t see her and Sean working out. Clearly I’m on his wavelength because I don’t think he’ll feel the romance between them. I think it’s going to be hard for him to not offer her this rose. He tells her he doesn’t feel the “click”. Bye Leslie H!

The girls take Leslie being sent home as a reality check that they all won’t be there forever. Tierra flaunts the rose to the camera. She reminds me A LOT of Courtney from Ben’s season. Sean is clearly diggin’ AshLee. Robyn is set on grabbing his attention tonight, but without falling out of the limo. That pick up line was TURRIBLE. But she got a kiss out of it anyway. What’s Amanda wearing? Vomcity. Especially with that rat’s nest on her head. Tierra pulls two of the girls out to talk to them. Tierra drama. Over it. I hope he does something wild and like takes the rose back from her and just sends her home or something because she’s getting on my LAST nerve.  Catharine finally gets some time which is great because I feel like we don’t see enough of her. She’s classy and doesn’t kiss him in front of the other girls.

Rose ceremony:
Catharine, Des, Lindsey, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee,  Sarah, Jackie, Daniella

WOOP. Bye Amanda. We won’t miss you.

Favorites: Lesley, AshLee, Des, Sarah, Selma

Bachelor Recap Week 3

My prayers have been answered – they ARE starting every episode with Sean working out with his shirt off. #nocomplaints. 16 women left – a group date, two one-on-one dates but not everyone gets a date this week. Chris Harrison gets right into it by presenting the first date card. Lesley M: how long will this love last? I hope a long time because she’s at the top of my faves. She also is wearing this adorable lace dress. They need to have a website called, “buy bachelorette fashion” where I can spend all my money buying all the cute things the girls on this show wear.

Sean & Lesley are at the Guinness Book of World Records on an actual, like, normal date. Sean reveals that his dad actually holds a guinness world record. Kinda cool! Sean feels kinda romantic and wants to crank up the heat early on (I don’t think Lesley is complaining). They attempt to set the world record for longest on screen kiss. Lucky bitch. “I think my body is numb.” Fair reaction. The kiss has to last 3 minutes and 16 seconds to beat the record. Are we going to have to watch this for over 3 minutes? Especially since Lesley is having a really hard time not laughing hysterically. Seans hand moves to her ass but then realizes that theres a thousand people watching and quickly goes back up to her hips. #awkward. Honestly this whole thing is kinda awk and I can’t believe they didn’t cut to a commercial break…They broke the record. I wonder what the record is for the longest on screen sex? That would’ve been a lot more exciting to watch (who’s with me?!)

Part 2 of their date takes place in a seemingly super comfy plush couch with romantic candles and champagne overlooking Hollywood. Reminds me how I spent my weekend with my boyfriend watching Restaurant Impossible drinking purple drank out of a mustache cup in 0 degree Albany. Almost the same, right? Anyway, Lesley talks about how she’s a nerd and how much she loves her fam. She says Sean makes her nervous. They kiss for real this time (with tongue) and she looks like she’s about to spill her champagne.

Back to the house – the girls get the next date card. Kaycie, Robyn, Leslie H, Kristy, Catharine, Des, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsey, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra – “who’s going to win my heart?”

And back to Sean and Lesley where they confess they both already have feelings for each other. Sean whips the rose out and obviously offers for her to accept. She says yes. MOAR kissing. Lesley says he’s perfect and the evening was magical. Mom sitting next to me says, “I like her, she’s normal.” Agreed, mom. I like her a lot.

Sean & the 12 girls on the group date are having a ball on the beach together. Until CHRIS HARRISON shows up. I love that he’s making date appearances and we’re seeing more of him this season. He breaks them up into two teams for beach volleyball – the winning team gets quality alone time with Sean post-beach. Both teams suck at volleyball and are having trouble getting the ball over the net. Blue team wins after the most boring game ever. Everyone on the red team cries. Gotta love this show!

Sean starts chattin with all the girls on the winning team. Lindsay is looking for her best friend and Sean is surprised by this “new side” of her that he’s seeing. They kiss. Loudly. Sean tells Des he loves her confidence and he loves hanging out with her. Des doesn’t wanna be seen as arrogent so she tells him about this deeper side to her. He kisses her too. Those lips are just making their rounds tonight.

Ashlee gets the next one on one. Tierra reads the card “Ashlee and Selma” as a joke – adding Selma’s name which upsets Sarah. Idk why since Sarah wasn’t even involved.. but whatever.

Des complains that Amanda is not the person she is around the girls around Sean. Much tension building around Des and Amanda. Kaycie B starts her own drama by telling Sean about Des and Amanda’s drama. DRAMAAA CITYYY. I’m eating this up. Because it’s clear Sean already has her in the friend-zone and this is NOT helping. It’s clear he wishes she’d just stop talking about this nonsense. “Why are you involving yourself?” Kaycie B I am disappointed. The bitchy comments last week were hilarious but this is going a bit far and he is not happy. Lindsay gets the rose on the date. Kaycie B realizes she looked like a crazy person and is scared she fucked up…which she did. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t make it to next week.

Ashlee is ready for her one-on-one date with Sean and wants to open up to him. But while she waits for Sean — BANG. Tierra fell down the stairs. Sean thinks she may have a concussion. Tierra is freaking out and doesn’t want to go to the hospital. Ashlee thinks she did this on purpose for attention.

Commercial break and I’m stalking JP & Sean tweeting to eachother.
JP: Sean where’d you get that pink V neck from?
Sean: Probably urban
JP: Thx. Money.
#bromance #sexymenchats

Sean wants to see if Ashlee is a big kid at heart and takes her to Six Flags. Ummm no thanks. If this were my date I’d turn my ass right around to the car. And Ashlee clearly isn’t dressed for an amusement park in that short see-through dress and 5 inch heels. The plus side of this day is they are sharing the park with 2 chronically ill girls who have been friends online but have never met in person. Super sweet. Ashlee looks like she’s gunna vom on the pirate ship (I don’t blame her). The two girls are just ecstatic to be there, it’s really a nice moment and something different for the Bachelor. The night is capped off with a concert from the Eli Band. Never heard of them? Anyone else? The girls are singing though which is all that matters.

Sean and Ashlee both want to adopt children. Ashlee was adopted after being abused in a foster home and is the most non-bitter person about it ever. Sean is digging her optimism. Ashlee talks about meeting her adoptive father for the first time. Mom is crying. Sean is getting teary. Quite an emotional part of the episode and Ashlee gets the rose! They kiss. I don’t know how I feel about her just yet. She opened up really quick and seems to have a good heart but I’m not 100% convinced that she’s right for him yet.

Sean surprises Sarah at the cocktail party with her puppy!!! OMG CUTEST PUPPYY EVERRR. He’s so thoughtful. Tierra and Sean get some time. Des steals time away and Tierra gets pissed. Oh Tierra steals him BACK. Catty-ness at its finest. Des hates the game..if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen gurl. It’s the bachelor. This is how it works. Get over it or leave. Kaycie B apologizes for being a major crazy for the other night. Sean feels like they took a couple steps back because of it. It seemed like he was about to send her home until 2 of the other girls step in to interrupt.

The rose ceremony is about to start but he pulls Kaycie B aside and says it’d be rude to make her sit through another one when he knows they’re better off friends. CALLED IT. I knew she wouldn’t make it past tonight.

Girls who get roses:
Tierra, Leslie H, Catharine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah (whered the puppy go?), Jackie, Amanda, Des

Final thoughts: So upset that Taryn is gone. He really should’ve given her a chance. Amanda needs to go ASAP. He needs to spend more time with Catharine because she’s super cute. He’s clearly attracted to Selma but I don’t see that lasting much longer.

Favorites: Lesley M, Des, Sarah.

Bachelor Recap Week 2

Tonight instead of watching at home with my mom, I’m sitting in the most gorgeous NYC apartment with my work girls sipping on wine and noshing on italian food and cupcakes. I couldn’t be more content and I know watching the Bachelor will just the icing on the cake of a perfect Monday night.
OMG SEAN IN A SHOWER. Can the show open up with this every week? Yes? Wonderful.

Chris Harrison, quite dashing, announces the dates for the week. Oh hayyy first date card. Sarah with the one arm gets the first one on one time. She wants to cry. “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we will stop having fun.” Cue the helicopter (shocker). Sarah what’s with the ugly pink shirt? You could do way better.  Also she’s already talking about this being a fairytale. It’s the first date. Relax, lady.

Sean takes Sarah to the top of this super fall building for a champagne toast. They need to free fall to get to the table. HOW IS SHE GOING TO DO THIS WITH ONE ARM? What a horrible idea. But Sarah wants to be courageous and take the plunge together with him. They sit down to ease their way in. Stop being pussys and just jump. Countdown – go! They make it and hug. How sweettttt.

Sarah tells Sean about going ziplining in Vegas with her dad. One of the employees told her she couldn’t go because people with disabilities weren’t allowed by law. She was humiliated. Sad music starts playing… Okay I mean I get it. She has one arm and it’s super sad. But she’s also really pretty and seems down to earth. I hate that she’s playing up the one arm thing. She could’ve told him a million other different stories. Also, I’m sort of convinced she has a prosthetic arm that she usually wears on the daily but isn’t wearing it for the show.

Sarah talks about her ex. She needs someone more adventurous and is convinced Sean is everything she is looking for. Because after the 3 hour date I’m sure she knows he’s her meant to be. Sarah gets a rose. No kiss? Oh wait there we go. Sean goes in for some tongue. She keeps her lips into a peck not letting that slip into her mouth. You are a silly girl Sarah. Anyone would let Sean eat their face off.

Group date card:
Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie B, Tierra

“Lets capture the romance.” Pictures!

“He was kinda like, ‘Princess I’m coming.’” Or he was like “Hey SLUTSSSS lets go in the hottub.” Sean brings them into this outrageous house and announces they are taking book cover pics for actual books. The model freaks out because she can actually be famous from this! I’m freaking out because I’m assuming Sean will be half naked for the next 20 minutes.

Robyn hates Tierra and thinks he is fake. Tierra boobs are pretty much out of her shirt while she gets her makeup done. Sean may or may not think Tierra has a catty side. Tierra seems a little sneaky sneaky and might be doing some backstabbing later on. Excited for moarrr drama ahead. Amanda thinks she’s really clever by using two words with r “romance and rose”. Lesley M has a rockin’ bod and a flat stomach that I’d kill for (as I sit here and eat 4 more cupcakes). Lesley and Sean kiss and pisses off the other betches. Kristy is making sure to get handsy and hottt. It felt a little porno-ish. I didn’t hate it.

Lesley M grabs Sean for some alone time at the next part of the date. I happen to really like her. She’s not outrageously pretty but she’s cute and she doesn’t seem TOO bitchy. They seem to have some chemistry and Sean wants to kiss her but she seems kinda nervous and just wants to stare at him. DUMB. KISS HIM YOU IDIOT. You potentially have one of the hottest guys in America next to you and you didn’t straddle him?! I’m confused, Lesley. You let me down…. Oh wait, there she goes. Even a little tongue action AAYYYYY. There we go!!!

Kacie B what are you wearing? A dress? A tank top? A romper? I mean I know you have some nice legs and all but your hoo-ha is about to make an appearance. Sean says he’s happy she’s there but I feel like she is totally in the friend zone. He hesitated when he said he wanted to transition her to a more romantic-zone. I love her, but I don’t think she’s going to last long…

Sean talks to more of the girls. They seem to be getting drunker as the night goes on. It’s so obvious how wasted they are. It’s pretty hilarious. Tierra is sitting alone and eating/ seems mopey. Sean notices that she is guarded. Tierra is #struggling. But Sean re-assures her that he’s diggin’ her and wants her to stick around.

Date Card: Desiree gets the one on one. “Love is priceless”. I really really like Desiree.

Back to the group date! Katie’s hair is out of control. And is clearly not comfortable with this show. “The more girls who leave on their own the easier it is”. LOL. I love the slight bitchiness from Kacie B. Makes me happy. Katie is crying. WAH. Katie leaves. Kthanksbai. Pick up some hair gel on the way out thanksssss. “I try to downplay things in front of the girls but I’m super stoaked”. Keep those one-liners going Kacie B and you’ll keep getting those ROSES!

Sean is taking Desiree to this like fake art gallery filled with actors pretending to work there. Sean wants to see how she reacts when she thinks she broke an expensive piece of art…. umm so Sarah gets a helicopter ride and Desiree gets punked? Seems a little unbalanced there. On the plus side, she is rockin’ the red lip and black dress. “Hopefully she can take a joke”. I hope so because I would be MORTIFIED. Sean is second guessing his decision to bring her and feels bad. Uhhh yeah bro. Maybe not the best date idea. So anyway, Des is alone with all the hidden cameras. The piece of art breaks. She looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the situation. Photographer walks in and she immediately goes on defense “I didn’t touch it. It just fell.” Sean feels awful. Des wants to die. I would’ve been like “Sooooo NOW do I get a helicopter or….?”

Back at the house with a bottle of red wine. Desiree asks questions and wants to get to know him (I don’t think she watched his season?). She explains how perfectly in love her parents are. Sean is all “OMG my parents totes love each other too”. #notreality. But they’re cute together and his hand seems nice and comfy on her thigh. Then Des puts on a bathing suit. Here, the room goes “WOAH” at her body and a collective sigh when Sean’s shirt gets taken off. They talk about love – what is love? baby don’t hurt me…. Des is offered a rose. She pranks him back and hesitates when taking the rose. They kiss in the pool. Inappropriate comments about how Sean may or may not be touching her nipples overtake our conversation.

Lindsay, the girl in the wedding dress last week, admits she was wasted at the last cocktail party. “The champagne was flowing” aka “I was shithoused.” She’s a lot more normal this week which is refreshing to see. Smart lady to grab him up right away before she’s had one too many again. Sean seems kinda flustered because he’s starting to see good qualities in anyone.

As I see how pretty Kacie B and Des look, I decide if I had goten a rose already, I would just show up in my sweats. They’re there for HOURS and if I was already “safe” I wouldn’t waste my time getting all done up for no reason. #justsaying

Anyway, back to the show – Amanda is being bitchcity, sitting alone with a pout on her face and the girls are noticing the “tornado of negativity” around her. Why is she drinking out of a Christmas coffee mug? Weirdsies. Robyn notices how “culturally diverse” the girls are aka she’s nervous he doesn’t like black chicks. Is she gunna ask him about this?!?! UH AWKWARD. Sean repsonds with “I don’t have a type.” Race wasn’t a part of his criteria, which is refreshing, since in the past 6 seasons if there was ever a black contestant, they were kicked off after week 1.

Kacie B stirs up some drama and asks the girls who they want to see go home. AMANDA. Who then walks into the room and steals her for a bit. Amanda is wearing roses as shoulder pads. #notcute. Des is crying (why?) because she doesn’t think Amanda is here for the right reasons.

Rose Ceremony:
Sarah, Des, Kacie B who already have roses
Ashley, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catharine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella,  and Amanda (the room is annoyed).

My front runners:
1. Lesley M
2. Taryn
3. Des
4. Sarah
5. Selma

The Bachelor Recap Week 1

My first live blog/bachelor recap. I’m excited to be taking on this project since the bachelor has been a #guiltypleasure of mine for a long long time.  These posts will be long – it’s a 2 hour show – so bare with me.. or don’t! And tweet me any feedback/responses/comments/hateful bashing if you feel it needed (@donk2).

“For Sean Lowe it’s a second chance of love and no one deserves it more”

Oh Chris Harrison your loving words warm my pathetic heart.

This season starts off showing how dramatic/bitchy/catty/desperate these 25 woman are going to be. To quote my mother “Same as always”. And just when I was getting upset about how this season will be like all the rest, the camera pans to a shirt-less Sean and my mouth drops. I’m officially intrigued. Flashback to the night Sean gets sent home on Emily’s season and he’s holding back tears. Nothing more attractive than a vulnerable hottie. He then goes on to say how he wants to love and cherish his wife…but I was too busy staring at his 6 pack to really pay attention to anything he was saying.

Commercial break #1: Stalking everything Sean Lowe says on twitter and swooning with mom over how hott he is. I have a feeling this will be my new Monday night routine. So much for working out every night..

Cut to Arie and Sean hanging out together. Talk about the cutest #bromance I’ve ever seen. Their segment made my day. Sad, but true.

“I obviously can’t see it’s not you it’s me..because it’s obviously going to be them”.
Classy. Super classy. I mean if you’re dumping a bitch on the show it’s usually because shes a bit of a crazypants.

A few woman intro tapes ->

Desire: wants her missing puzzle piece and fireworks. and is a spaz.
Tara: is in love with being in love and has a super cute puppy. I like her already!
Robin: smart working woman who does back flips.
Diana : kinda looks like Snooki. has 2 kids and is divorced.
Sarah : an advertising designer who has one arm. the first amputee on the show.
Ashley P: can’t find a boyfriend. crazy cat lady. obsessed with Christian Grey.
Lesley: DC lady who hates nerds and politicians, southerner at heart.
Kristy : model. calling it now she will be THE head bitch of the season.
AshLee F: OCD organizer. cried during the interview. I have a feeling it won’t be the first time we see tears from her

And here comes the #LimoOfSkanks (hashtag credit to Samy). Let see who makes a fool of themselves

AshLee F: corny opening line. pretty red dress.
Jackie: super cutie. left her mark on his cheek.
Selma: pulled a tissue out of her cleavage. stuffed bra? huge boobs.
Leslie H: called Sean a hunk. who uses that word anymore? no one.
Daniella: secret handshake? lame.
Kelly: oh hay fake tan singing a song. oof.
Katie: looks really old for her age. doubt she will last long.
Ashley P:  pulled out a grey tie….Sean seems #unimpressed
Taryn: classy lady. gold star for Taryn.
Catherine: hunk AGAIN?! said nothing of interest. womp. next.
Robyn: EPIC FAIL backflip in a gown. talk about lasting impression.
Lacey: heart of lace. original? not really. I don’t dig the little gift things. What do they even do with them?
Paige: Jumbotron Operator. badass job.
Tierra: little nugget who is not a size 2. finally. Sean says BRB and offers her the first impression rose right away. smart man I like his judgement already.

*is that a rose? did she come with that?* #hatersgunnahate #letthedramabegin #animalattackontheeyeballs

Back out to MOAR limos…
Amanda: getting the awkward pause out of the way…a little too long. I was uncomfortable watching that.
Keriann: and I would walk 500 miles….also her hair bothered me. moving along.
Desiree: aka Dez. wish in the fountain. that’s kinda cute, I dig it.
Sarah: super cute even with one arm.
Brooke: did she purr in his ear? I think so…
Diana: rockin’ a Katniss side braid. forgets to introduce herself.
Lesley: football! and she gets a nice view of Sean’s ass. smart lady.
Kristy: the best from the midwest. VOM.
Ashley H:  her voice bothered me. sick dress.
Lauren: Italian. wants to fatten up Sean and says her father will break his legs if he hurts her. stop it.
and the winner of the craziest bitch of the evening goes to LINDSAY who showed up in the wedding dress. she went in for the first kiss before saying her name. Sean was caught off guard to say the least.

#26 / surprise last person is….KACIE B. I read spoilers (obviously) so this was not a shock for me. but damn she has nice legs… that the woman are just going to tear off her and beat her with.

Cue bitchy talk and gossiping while Sean does his one-on-one chats with the women.

Desiree gets rose #2. Someone else gets rose #3. Everyone is pissed that the rules are changing. Selma gets #4. GAME ON BITCHES. One after one he gives roses during the cocktail party instead of waiting til the rose ceremony. Sean trying to be a badass and make his own rules. Good for him.

Lindsay aka girl in the wedding dress is wasted. “I wish I was more sober”. This is a girl after my own heart making a fool of herself night 1. Something I KNOW I would be doing if I were in her situation. (read more about that here). Then 50 Shades cray cray Ashley P is booty dancin’ all over the place and is “a lot to take in”. I wonder if my boyfriend feels that way about me when I drop it like it’s hot in the club. Just kidding…not really.

Taryn sheds the first tears of the season when she is scared to open up and doesn’t wanna fight over the guy. Too bad she is such a baby because she gave me a great first impression. She won’t last long if she can barely keep it together the first night. Sarah is also insecure, probably because she has one arm, which is super depressing because she’s beautiful. She grows some balls and takes some time with Sean where she opens up about being born with one arm. Major kudos for taking that leap, gurl. Rose to Sarah!!!! WOOP. Get it.

Rose ceremony time, even though he gave out a bunch of roses already.
Adios 50 Shades of Cray! See ya later JumboTron Operator!

All in all, I’m satisfied with the picks tonight. I think Sean has a good head on his shoulders and will ultimately make good decisions. Really looking forward to the season ahead!

To end, here are the girls from the end of tonight in ABC order:
Ashlee F
Lesley M
Leslie H

Why I’d Be the Worst Candidate on the Bachlorette

The buzz at work this week has been all about ABC’s upcoming season of the Bachelor, featuring Sean Lowe – the runner up of last season of the Bachelorette. He’s blonde, hot, charming, hot, and often shirtless and hot, which made me fall in love with him last season. He will now have 25 ladies fighting for his love and I am excited to announce that I will be blogging weekly on his season as will my internet buddy Scott Muska (he’s a lot funnier than I am and blogged last season’s Bachelorette – check his work out here).

Anyway, with all this hype I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d handle being the Bachelorette and having 25 guys buying for my attention. At first I thought, “Um, awesome. Who wouldn’t want that?” But after much internal debate I concluded I would be the worst Bachelorette in the history of the 11 years the show has been airing. Here’s why:

1. I am not very adventurous
Every season of this show involves some sort of private jet, helicopter ride, hot air balloon, or friggen jet pack excursion. Without proper medication, I would have a severe panic attack, cry, possibly puke, and my date would then voluntarily leave the show after seeing me in this crazy state of anxiety. One season they propelled down a sky scraper to their dinner date. On another they bungee jumped off a bridge. PASS. THANKS. I would make the producers sign a contract of my hard and soft limits – 50 Shades of Grey style, substituting no anal beads for no free fall airplane jumping. The producers would hate me. The audience would hate me. My season would be boring.

2. I am not a classy drunk
They serve a lot of booze on these sort of reality shows. People have passed out drunk during the first cocktail party – I would not put myself past doing that. Between late night filming, starving myself to look great on camera, and the excessive amount of champagne they serve, no doubt in my mind I would be bombed 98% of the time we filmed. This is not good for anyone. I am your typical obnoxious drunk Brooklyn girl who slurs words, confesses her love for everyone and anyone in the room, dances against walls, and trips in anything that’s a higher heel than a sneaker. While my men will get a kick out of making fun of me behind my back, none of them will fall in love with drunk Shari. It’s pretty much impossible.

3. I can’t make a decision
I hate making everyday decisions. I can’t even count how many times I’ve spent 30 minutes walking around midtown trying to decide what I want to eat for lunch, only to get frustrated since I couldn’t decide and went back to my desk hungry sans food. How would I be able to cut down guys every week? Especially if they’re hot. How can I get rid of a nice piece of ass to look at? I wouldn’t be able to do it. My special camera time would show me making pro/con lists and asking Chris Harrison who his favorite is. But I’d totally have “THE MOST SHOCKING FINALE EVER” as I ask both men to continue dating me post-show so I can have more time to make a better decision. They’d both oblige (obviously) but then I’d come back to After the Final Rose as single as ever revealing that neither men were on the show “for the right reasons” and I would pull a Brad Womack and come back FOR A SECOND SEASON for another chance at finding love.

Fairytales Are Back! Will They Have A Happily Ever After?

Are fairytales the new vampires? I think so! We are finally turning the corner and maybe leaving behind all the vampire television shows and movies. The newest fad to hit the scene is fairytales. I don’t know why these things always happen at once but, I don’t hate it! As a huge Disney fan, I love any opportunity to take a Disney classic tale and make it modern. In fact, I love all things fun and childish so making it acceptable (as an adult) to watch it is okay by me! What fairytales are you into?

Once Upon A Time
Now that I am losing one of my ABC shows (Desperate Housewives) it is time to pick up another! Once Upon A Time starring Ginnifer Goodwin follows fairytale characters such as Snow White, Prince Charming, and Jiminy Cricket to a place called Storybrook, ME where they are being trapped in reality by the Evil Queen. It may sound far-fetched, but trust me, it is good!

Although I haven’t seen Grimm first-hand, I have heard that it is pretty good! The problem is, who is going to invest in a show that airs on Fridays?! From what I have read, a detective discovers that he comes from a line of criminal profilers known as “Grimms.” He has to keep the balance between humanity and mythical creatures based off The Grimm Brothers Tales.

Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror Mirror
Two new films coming out both based on Snow White. Click on the above links to learn more about the movies and to watch the trailers for each.

Are these fairytale flicks and shows here to stay or are they just a passing fad?

Follow me @Caraizzle!