Relationships & Love

Tales From Online Dating: OKCreeper Part 2

Aaand we’re back again because the creepy men of the Internet never sleep! Here’s another look at what goes on when using OKCupid. Some of these are mine and others from friends. This just proved that there is no shortage of OKCreepers. Yes these are real. Yes I’m hiding usernames to try to be nice. No, we didn’t message these men back. To see more OKCreeper click here.

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I guess I should give you points for being forward but something tell me that you are not going to win anyone over with a date at White Castle.
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Ever heard of Ashley Madison dude?! That’s where you need to be, not on OKCupid. No. I do not want to help you cheat on your wife with a “discreet relationship.” And the fact that you are old enough to be my dad isn’t helping either.
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I’m glad you enjoyed my profile enough to message me but don’t you think you’re going out on a limb by asking some person you have never met to your office holiday party at one of the most expensive Broadway shows? Yes, I would love to see Wicked but I’d prefer if you weren’t there.
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Is this a compliment? I think so…. but I can’t tell through all the talk of apocalypses and leprosy babies. Sorry dude, you lost me at nuclear.
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Now you are trying to guilt me into responding?! Do you think that I will be up all night tossing and turning because I didn’t respond? Nice try…
Have you done online dating? Any funny stories to share?
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The Number One Problem With Tinder

Like all single ladies with a smartphone, I recently heard of an app called Tinder. Essentially, the idea is “hot or not” but taking it a step further. If you decide you like someone and think they are attractive, they now have the ability to message you. If they like you back then you are past the first hurdle of wondering if that person is interested or not! There’s just one problem with this app so far…

Repeat after me… Jailbait.

Tinder is the bare bones. It connects to Facebook so you can see if you have friends in common or similar interests but really all you get is pictures, name, and age. That, my friends, is very dangerous. As you breeze through at a mile a minute you are judging purely on looks. Every so often a hottie catches your eye and you stop to view details. BAM. You find out the handsome man is actually a man-boy that is only 19. NOT OKAY PEOPLE.

Then we have another problem… Instead of looking at looks you only look at age until you find someone acceptable and can then check if they are good looking. You come across a 27 year old. He’s handsome. YAY! You click on his info… BAM. His info says “I’m actually 17 but Tinder wouldn’t let me join unless I was older ha ha.” NOT OKAY PEOPLE.

Why is this app populated by itty bitty nugget men? And even worse, why do I find them attractive?! To be fair, kids these days look a lot older than when I was in high school. When you’re in a tux, I assume you are at your friend’s wedding… not at your PROM.

In conclusion, Tinder needs age ranges. Oh, and don’t judge me…

Do you use Tinder? What do you think?!



The 5 Stages of a BreakUp

We’ve all been there. We never want to be there again. But don’t worry… there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. The “Everything Tastes Like Paper” Stage
This is when you are literally so upset you cannot eat. You wake up in the morning feeling sick, you go to bed feeling sick. You get hunger pains somewhere between the hours of noon and 4PM and settle for half a cupcake and a handfull of teddy grahams to fill the gaping hole in your stomach. Vodka becomes your major food group. And coffee. And weed. You also spend a lot of your nights staring at a blank wall because everywhere you turn, there’s your ex. Wanna listen to your ipod? Nope. All their music is on there. Wanna watch TV? Sorry, all your favorite shows are on and you can’t talk to them about it. Want to just walk around aimlessly? Negative. It will remind you of that ONE aimless walk you took together. And you will cry. For hours.

2. The “Holy Shit Why Haven’t I Eaten In a Month Food is EVERYTHING” Stage
You are pretty satisfied with your emaciated post-break up bod. However, once the initial shock, sadness, and anger passes you realize how fucking hungry you are. And suddenly every single thing you eat is the best thing to ever pass your lips. One day during this stage I had a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a cheeseburger and cheese fries for lunch, some goldfish, some cookies, some pretzels  and Chinese food for dinner. Yes I realize this is disgusting and I didn’t even mention I threw up 3 hours before this binge because of the excessive alcohol drinking, but hey, food is life at that point.

3. The “Fuck, I am About to Do Something Terrible” Stage
This can manifest in a variety of ways. You can either drunk text/ sext/ call the ex. You can make out with someone you really unattracted to and feel horrible about yourself after. You can recycle an old booty call and have weird, messy sex .. and feel horrible about yourself after. No matter what terrible thing you do, you will literally hate yourself for it.

*here is where stages 1-3 repeat as needed.

4. The “Let Me Get My Shit Together” Stage
This stage is a slow transition back to normalcy. You stop drinking as heavily as you were. You delete your ex from your phone, your facebook, and your everyday thoughts. You focus on something positive – like your job or a new hobby. You toy with the idea of joining OK Cupid and your best friends make you go on a Grouper.

5. The “Phew, I guess I’m Ok Now” Stage
This last stage is crucial because one wrong move, one wrong text, or one wrong phone call will lead you right back to all those horrible feelings. With some strength, some good luck, and a new fuck buddy, you will power through and move on with your life.

Did you experience this or something different?

Stop Hooking Up With Your Friends Friends.

It always seems like a good idea at the time. Sometimes you’re like, “Hey! I’m drunk. You’re cute. My friend is your friend so we have LOTS in common.” Other times you’re thinking, “WOW, if this works out it could be awesome! One big happy family of friends!” And then there’s my favorite, “I probably won’t hangout with this person again… right?”

Rule of thumb: Just because you have a similar friend doesn’t mean you have anything in common. Sure, if it works out it will be awesome but chances are it WON’T work out so stop right now. Of course you’re going to see this person again. Is your friend just going to stop hanging out with this person because you made out with them?!

I have fallen victim to this too many times to admit and I have learned one thing… Don’t $h!t where you eat! These situations almost always end badly. Sorry to say, but you are not Chandler and Monica. The man you’ve been waiting for isn’t right in front of you all along. If you like your current friends, leave their friends alone! The one drunk night is not worth that awkward conversation in the morning… and every other time you see this person.

Have you ever been in a compromising situation like this one? Share your horror story to discourage others!

How To Ditch The Nice Guy

We’ve all dated him. That really nice, cute guy who does nothing wrong. You want to like him. You really really want to like him! But you don’t. And you never will. Even though this guy does nothing wrong, he doesn’t do anything right either. He touches you and you cringe. He is attentive and you want to hide. Normally he comes right after you date a “magician” (the guy who disappears without a trace or explanation).

Don’t feel bad ladies. This guy is not for you. He will find a nice girl one day… I hope. Here’s how you get rid of him:

1. The Fade Out. Don’t answer your phone. Respond to texts less frequently. Slow down the communication until it ends all together. If you do this right, they won’t even notice it’s happening. They also may not be damaged since you are weening them out of the relationship.

2. The Uncomfortable Convo. C’mon. He’s a nice guy so you should be nice enough to tell him it’s over. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but nice guy can take it. You got yourself into this mess so now you have to get yourself out.

3. Friend Zone Him.  Not my finest hour, but this really works. So you’ve gone on several dates, probably kissed and stuff, and now you’re not into him. Keep hanging out with him but stop doing “the stuff.” He will definitely notice this but he’s too nice to actually say something about it. A couple more hangout like this and BAM. He’s a friend.

How do you get rid of a nice guy?

Tales From Online Dating: OKCreeper

Hi. My name is Cara, and I’ve tried online dating. After much peer pressure and growing curiosity, I finally made an OKCupid profile. For those of you who don’t know, OKCupid is a free online dating site popular with people in their 20’s. After 2 weeks on the site, the jury is still out on whether online dating is awesome or awful. While I do enjoy the prospect of potentially meeting a really cool guy, I think I enjoy the creepy messages even more.

 

For every seemingly normal guy you meet, there are about 8 others who are straight up creepers. My fascination with the site really lies in the messages these crazy guys send. Do these things actually work on women?! Here are some of my favorites below and something tells me that this will be a recurring blog post because there are no short of creepers on OKCupid (I’ve erased the names of the profiles to protect the privacy of the creepers):

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Thank you for reading my profile and noticing I like Guster. However, I do not appreciate the extremely awkward overshare and the fact that you completely change the subject as if I wouldn’t notice?

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At least you are self aware. For the record I was planning to delete right after reading the cheesy pick up line. The creepy fetish was just the icing on the cake.
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Why thank you sir! I’m happy I meet all your criteria… being a Jew. Please don’t talk about my family. I don’t even know you.
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Not that!
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Thanks for assuming I’m racist. Please know that I am not messaging you back because you called me baby, not because you are black.
Have you done online dating? Any funny stories to share?

3 Reasons Why I Hate My Long Distance Relationship

Last week I wrote the post 3 Reasons Why I Love My Long Distance Relationship. Today, we get the flipside. Long distance is not the best situation in the world. Every day I wish he could be here with me. Here are the 3 reasons why I effing hate long distance.


I miss him too much
There are days I seriously miss him so much I want to cry. The days I have a hard time at work and all I need is one of his hugs and a kiss on my forehead to make it all better and he’s not here. Those days make me miserably sad that he’s far away.

I never have a plus one
Birthday parties, work functions, family gatherings… my plus one is too far to come to all of them. I have to pick and choose the most important for him to attend and fly solo at the rest (with prayers there’s an open bar to get me through). 

I have no one to be intimate with
Not just sex here (although not being able to do that whenever I want is pretty crappy too). He’s not here to cuddle before I fall asleep, he’s not here to be playful with or hold hands with, or even to do nice things for like cook dinner or bring home cupcakes. Having these moments come once a month or so is not ideal.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? What was your least favorite part? Comment below.

When You Are Overreacting (And When You’re Not)

Since entering the dating world, I have learned a lot about myself. One of those things being that I am a bit crazy and tend to… overreact at times. The reason I have no problem admitting this is partially because I am surrounded by crazypants people who overreact to everything. When you overreact, you almost know it is happening but you still can’t help it. To keep things in perspective, here’s a way to see whether you are overreacting or not:

I texted him 3 hours ago. Still no response.
This is a classic overreaction. No, he is not ignoring you. He is probably just not holding his phone staring at it and waiting for your text.

I texted him a week ago. Still no response.
You can freak out here. Chances are he has looked at his phone ONCE in the past week. Unless he was eaten by a pack a wolves or got robbed and had no other way of contacting you, this is probably over.

He told you “let’s hangout this weekend” but it’s Wednesday and there is no time and date.
Relax bro. It’s only Wednesday. Sure, you are a Type A freak who needs to get your calendar in order but he’s a boy and they aren’t as quick on the uptake.

He told you “let’s hangout this weekend” but it’s Saturday and there is no time and date.
I don’t think this date is happening. Consider this equivalent to “I’ll call you sometime.” That clearly means he is not going to call you.

He didn’t kiss me on the first date. What is going on?!
Nothing is going on you overreacting freak! Maybe he’s a gentleman. Maybe he ate too many pieces of garlic bread. Maybe you didn’t position your head so he could go in for the kill. This does not mean he hates you.

He didn’t kiss me on the fifth date. What is going on?!
What IS going on here?! What kind of dates are these? Are you slowly becoming best friends? I don’t think this is normal. Maybe you are delusional and these aren’t even dates at all. It’s time to re-evaluate what the hell is happening here.

I told him I liked him and he said thanks.
What is he supposed to say?! Are you in middle school? Should he ask you to go steady? Just because he doesn’t come right out and say it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.

I told him I loved him and he said thanks.
Run. He doesn’t love you.

You must be thinking – Wow! You are so rational and have such a handle on your life that you are able to identify the crazy from the normal! Wrong. I overreact in ALL of these situations but I am aware that I’m doing it so that makes it better(?).

When have you overreacted in the dating world? Let me know!

3 Reasons Why I Love My Long Distance Relationship

Me and my man are in a long distance relationship. Granted right now he’s only 3 hours away and at most when he’s at his hometown he’s 6 hours away (not like across the country either)….but he’s not here in the city with me. Some days I really hate the distance between us (that blog to come soon), but most days I can appreciate what we have and here are the 3 reasons why:

I get a chance to miss him
Couples who spend every day together don’t know what it’s like to miss their other half because they never get the chance. Sure they get the few hours away for work or school or a night out .. but go 8 weeks without seeing your boyfriend and then talk to me about missing him. When you miss someone that much, you take advantage of the time you do get together. You don’t fight as often and you don’t feel guilty about spending a Friday night in bed together just enjoying the other’s company.

He always does sweet things for me when we’re together
There hasn’t been a weekend we’ve spent together where he doesn’t done something that makes me blissfully happy. Whether its taking the initiative to plan a date night or taking a half hour to rub my back for me without asking for one in return, he makes sure I’m happy. I’m not saying this wouldn’t happen if we lived in the same city because in the beginning all relationships are like this. But I think the distance allows our “honey moon phase” to last way past the 3 months (it’s been about 7).

I never feel smothered
We never spend TOO much time together. We never spent TOO much time on a phone call and we never text when we know the other is busy. We respect eachother’s lives and lets the other go out, get drunk, read, work, watch TV and just LIVE without feeling resentful. This is the one relationship I’ve had that I’ve truly felt like my personal and social life with my friends and family hasn’t taken a serious blow.

Am I crazy for enjoying my long distance relationship? Comment below!

How To Hide People From Facebook Chat

You and your boyfriend must have spent hours chatting on Facebook chat. And Facebook chat is SO smart that they always post people you talk to most right at the top. How convenient. Until you break up. Then you get to stare at his face (whether he’s on or not) and be miserable. And obsessive. Thankfully, you don’t have to put yourself through this.

Facebook understands you. They want to help you out by putting your friends and loved ones at the top but when you don’t want to talk to those people anymore, they have a solve for that too. Here’s a step by step guide to getting rid of people on Facebook chat.

1. Click the options button. You can find this on the bottom right corner of chat. The button looks like a little gear.

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2. Click on Advanced Settings. (Notice you can also edit the chat sounds here too. Fascinating!)
 
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3. Type in the person(s) you don’t want to keep staring at on Facebook chat. (Will he chat me? Will he not? Why isn’t he chatting me!? Ladies, let’s end this madness.)
 
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4. Press Save and go on living your life.
 
Tada! That’s it. Go be happier now knowing you can live the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality. You’re welcome.