The Bachelor Finale

Full disclosure: I am like 6 hours behind on the Bachelor. I haven’t watched since the one before hometowns (oops) but I couldn’t avoid spoilers and I knew if I missed the finale I would be so out of the loop and wouldn’t be able to handle it. So here we go – the epic 3 hour finale recap.

Spending the last week of the show in Thailand. Lucky bitches – my dream is to spend a week exploring all the islands of Thailand. Sean meets his family and is excited for them to meet the two remaining women. Stop it, his niece and nephew are the cutest effing kids, especially after the nephew blurts “Emily didn’t pick you.” EPIC BURN YOU 5 YEAR OLD. Sean’s mom is nervous, especially after Sean says he has no idea who he’s picking.

Catherine looks cute in her dress but she could’ve done something nicer with her hair. I’m assuming it’s just Thailand weather..She hugs the family and wears a super nervous plastered smile on her face. She tells Sean’s family she played football on the boy’s team when she was like 12. Early signs of a bad-ass chick. Catherine tells his mom about the cute little love/silly notes they would write each other every week. And that if he popped the question she’d say yes. Momma seems to approve of her which is nice to see. Dad seems like he has a crush on her… a little creeped out by him. Justsaying.. Catherine says their time together is spent laughing and eating…she left out making out and telling him about all the horrible things that happened in her childhood but ya know whatever that’s okay. Sean’s dad says if she’s the one he will love her like a daughter. My mom is crying. Catherine is crying. I’m still a little sketched out by him? Is that bad? I’m sure he means well.

Lindsay is up next. Yes Sean she does look cute. Hugs all around. The niece is wearing a bow – I’m melting into a mushball of cuteness. I also hate the way Lindsay talks. Her voice annoys me. Dad seems to be asking her a lot more serious questions. Is it because he doesn’t like her or because he realized he just fell in love with Catherine without really asking her anything too serious? Can’t tell. Dad talks about how he’s prayed for Sean’s wife since the day he was born and Lindsay starts to cry. Okay okay he’s a nice guy. Sorry about my previous comment – my mind has been changed!! Okay Mom’s up grillin’ Lindsay. She seems pleased with her answers. Lindsay is super emotional about all this. Fair.

Family opinions: they love them both, they’ll both fit in. They don’t want Sean to propose at all if it feels like too much pressure. Sean just wants their support above their opinion. His mom’s hysterical crying because it’s a huge decision and she doesn’t want him to do anything he’s not sure about. My mom’s crying too. I’m a stone cold robot about all this. Thank youuuu cynicism.

On his late date with Lindsay, Sean wears the ugliest outfit of the season. But his arms look fantastic – I just wanna bite his shoulders. Yeah I said it. Anyway, they take a raft on a river drinking champagne and drinking in the view. Lindsay feels like she knows him SO well. Let me tell you girl, there’s not a shot in hell you know him as well as you feel you do. For dinner, Sean realized how awful that tank top was and changed into a typical Sean v-neck. Lindsay says he has everything she ever wanted in a husband and she’s nervous about losing him. She wishes he knew what he was thinking. “I’m glad I’m here right now.” Wow. That’s…romantic? Not. I mean he’s totally not allowed to say I love you to anyone until the proposal but it must suck to pour your heart out to someone and for them to not return anything at all. Sean thinks she’s the one for her …for now…until his date with Catherine.

Wait… hold on… Lindsay is 24?!?!?! She’s MY AGE and is husband crazy already? AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?? Am I the only one the world who wants nothing to do with marriage until like 30? This is blowing my mind right now.. Check my twitter for further rant on this.. Back to the show..

Catherine’s time for a final date. And as I said, he’s like oh right she’s here too. I like her. Confused all over again. Blah Blah. Cue huge ass elephant. “Here’s our transportation for the day.” Ironic, because I was just telling someone that I rode an elephant at the circus as a kid and the joke “riding something with a big trunk” was the highlight of my day. This looks so cool. They’re looking at this gorgeous view and talking about their future together. Catherine says she was fighting back planning a future with him but now she’s letting herself because she feels so good about it. Catherine thinks she’s played it calm this whole time because she’s needed to play it safe but now if she doesn’t open up she doesn’t get another chance. Sidenote: how much money do you think they spend a season on booze? They are always drinking. Catherine opens up and speaks so much more eloquently than Lindsay. I like her so much more, as a person and for Sean. UGH Catherine is practically shaking when she says i love you for the first time and he says, “thank you for today.” AWFUL. She doesn’t see a glimmer of love in his eyes and follows him out crying. She’s pissed. I don’t blame her. How do you open up so much to someone and be okay with not hearing anything back?  Ugh I feel for her.

Time to pick out engagement rings! Bling blinngggg. I’ll take one of each please! Holy shit he picks the shiny-est one. Good taste, bro that is a ROCK. Sean gets emotional. Lindsay is wearing a stunning gown…and is super confident that she is the one that’s going to stand there at the end with him. Catherine in an equally as gorgeous dress is less excited, more overwhelmingly nervous going into the unknown.

Thank goodness we get a little Chris Harrison action during commercial breaks. Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie are sitting the audience. Lesley thinks he will pick Catherine. Sarah is team Lindsay. AshLee just wants what’s best for him and sees Lindsay as the winner. Jackie for Lindsay.

Sean is dreading saying goodbye to one of the girls. Lindsay’s up first. This is never a good sign. She’s going to vomit when he doesn’t propose. Like, seriously. She will be devastated. I almost don’t want to watch. But I can’t stop now, obviously. Here it comes… his heart is somewhere else. Waiting for her to jump right into the water. Girl, you need to walk away because he is not going to stop talking and he’s kind of making this worse. Super uncomfortable. She takes off her heels. Her and Chris Harrison don’t even speak. Even after a million of these seasons, this is the worst moment.

And here comes the letter from Catherine. Shit if she backs out, that would just be terrible. Phew, this is a happy letter. I was seriously nervous for a second, but it’s just her being cute and continuing to write him little love notes. Too cute. She can’t breathe when he proposes. I think she might faint. Or vomit out of happiness. “I love you so much I do I’m gunna tell you everyday”.

One last thing. Will you accept the final rose? Yes. ANNDD SCENE.

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